Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Nigeria (December 1960)

sElection 2007(74 days(state)/81 days(federal) to go)
part of a series of blog entries on the Nigerian elections in April 2007.


"Nigerian unity, is only a British intention for the country. It is artificial, and ends outside this chamber!"


The Black Rock
Time magazine cover story Monday, Dec. 05, 1960

At five minutes before nine the warning bell clanged, and the chattering parliamentarians in the lobby began to file into the House to take their seats. Precisely on the hour, a voice raised the traditional cry "Mistah Speakah," and the legislators froze as a bemedaled attendant solemnly descended the nine red-carpeted steps into the well of the House and laid a golden mace on the table separating the government front benches from those of the opposition. After a prayer calling down God's protection on the nation and Queen Elizabeth II, the Speaker, in his English-accented English, called "Odah, odah," and the debate began. Scarcely had it got into full swing when a proud, ascetic figure strolled slowly toward the government bench and all eyes converged on the ebony face of Alhaji Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa, O.B.E., K.B.E., C.B.E., LL.D., Prime Minister of Nigeria.

Along with its echoes of Britain's Westminster, the legislature over which Sir Abubakar presided last week had some of the flavor of a Pan-African Congress. On its benches tall, haughty Hausas, splendidly robed in green and scarlet, sat amongst volatile Ibos draped in white and azure gowns. Across the aisle were Yoruba tribesmen wrapped in gold, yellow and orange with little porkpie beanies on their heads. Between them, they constituted one of the world's noisiest Parliaments. Each speaker was greeted with cries of "Heah, heah" from his friends and derisory shouts of "Sit down, you wretched fool" from his foes; from the rostrum came the perennial plea for "Odah, odah!" But somehow, through the din, the nation's problems got discussed and decided.

In the hurly-burly of 1960's African avalanche of freedom, Nigeria's impressive demonstration of democracy's workability in Africa is too often overlooked. Next-to-newest of the 18 nations* to win independence this year (see p. 23), Nigeria entered the world community without noisy birthpangs or ominous warnings of its determination to avenge ancient wrongs. Since moderation and common sense are not the stuff that headlines are made of, the world's eyes slid past Nigeria to focus worriedly on the imperialistic elbowings of Ghana's Nkrumah, on the heedless plunge into Marxism taken by Guinea's Sékou Touré and above all, on the bloody chaos in the Congo.

In the long run, the most important and enduring face of Africa might well prove to be that presented by Nigeria. Where so many of its neighbors have shaken off colonialism only to sink into strongman rule. Nigeria not only preaches but practices the dignity of the individual. And where such other islands of order in Africa as Liberia. Togo and the former French Congo lack the size and power to overbalance thrusting Ghana and Guinea (combined population: 8,665,000), the Federation of Nigeria stands a giant among Lilliputians; last October, when Nigeria's 40 million people got their independence, the free population of Black Africa jumped 50%. Backed by such numbers, Nigeria's sober voice urging the steady, cautious way to prosperity and national greatness seems destined to exert ever-rising influence in emergent Africa.

The Perfect Victorian. No man better symbolizes the strengths and hopes of independent Nigeria than Abubakar Tafawa Balewa (pronounced Bah-lay-wah). At 47, he is slight of figure (5 ft. 8½ in., 136 Ibs.), and his wispy mustache and greying, crew-cut beard make him look older than he is. Reserved and unassuming, he is a rare bird in a land famed for flamboyant politicians, was once described by an African magazine as a "turtledove among falcons."

But for all his lack of drama, Sir Abubakar is an astute and impressive statesman. His rolling, resonant oratory and superb command of English have won him the nickname "The Golden Voice."

For his crucial role in Nigeria's advance to independence, Britain has heaped him with honors and his native admirers hail him as "The Black Rock of Nigeria." (As a devout Moslem, the title he prizes most is that of alhaji—one who has made the pilgrimage to Mecca.) In his drive to lift his backward land into the 20th century, Balewa's piercing eyes exude calm and sureness, and he rarely speaks in anger. "He is," says a longtime British acquaintance, "perhaps the perfect Victorian gentleman. He simply will not be rushed."

Hershey Bars & Chickens. Sprawled along 580 miles of the choppy Gulf of Guinea, Sir Abubakar's Nigeria is a ragged rectangle the size of Texas and Oklahoma combined. Just behind the beach, guarded by a great green mangrove wall, lie sweltering swamps—and the mosquitoes whose deadly bite kept white men from settling Nigeria as they did Algeria, Kenya and the Rhodesias.* Beyond the swamps is the thick layer of tangled rain forest, where the natives pick cocoa pods for the world's chocolate factories and gather oil palms for the big soap firms. Then comes the undulating grass country, rising in the north to the crusty, arid, mile-high floor and then to the hot Sahara's edge, where by day nomadic cattle herders bow to Mecca and muffle their faces against the sun and grit-filled harmattan winds with robes that keep out the bitter chill when the sun goes down.


Scattered across this diverse land, Nigeria's cities throb with the vigor of noisy commerce and the color of exotic dyes. In the federal capital of Lagos (pronounced Lay-gahs), where gleaming buildings rise among the slums, the streets are a cacophony of honking autos and a torrent of heedless jaywalkers. Lagos' open-air market is a constant melee: picking their way through tall piles of blinding indigo or scarlet cloth, vast platters of red peppers on bright green leaves, and mounds of white salt, hordes of shrieking women peddle alum, alarm clocks, Hershey bars, live chickens, hair tonic—all from overloaded trays atop their heads.

Around the Y. But the central fact of Nigerian politics is not a clash between townsman and bush dweller. It is, instead, racial and religious rivalries pointed up by the mighty Y that is stamped across Nigeria's face (see map) by two great rivers—the winding Benue that pours from the cloud-ringed Camerounian mountains in the east, and the majestic Niger that comes in from the west to join the Benue in a single mighty stream running south to the Gulf of Guinea.

Under the Y's left arm, in the Western Region (pop. 8,000,000), live the most advanced of all Nigerians—the Yoruba tribesmen, who worship 400 different deities, including Shango, god of thunder, and boast a centuries-old tradition of political organization.

Under the right arm of the Y is the heavily forested Eastern Region (pop. 9,000,000), home of the Ibo. a fiercely independent people, half Christian, half pagan, and known, because of their get-up-and-go, as "the Jews of Africa."

Black Africa's first TV station and Nigeria's first university are in the Western capital of Ibadan, where three-quarters of a million people cluster noisily under a sea of tin roofs. Between them, the Yoruba West and bustling Ibo East dominate Nigeria's commerce and furnish most of the country's bureaucrats. But the real weight of the nation rests on the top of the Y. Here, in the Northern Region, live close to 20 million people, mostly Moslems, who still remember the jihad (holy war), in which, 156 years ago, the Fulani horsemen of Imam Othman dan Fodio overwhelmed the original Hausa inhabitants. Though it is still an essentially feudal society in which Hausa-speaking masses are ruled by stern Fulani emirs, the North today, by sheer weight of numbers, controls Nigeria's federal House of Representatives and, in the person of Sir Abubakar, lords it over the bright brats of the South.


To the New World. It was in the North too that Nigeria's written history began—in the walled-caravan center of Kano, whose chronicles date back to A.D. 960 and whose big, modern airport today is one of the world's busiest. For coastal Nigeria the ages passed without written record until the late 15th century, when Portuguese adventurers sailed and marched up the creeks to Benin, whose 16th and 17th century bronzes (some of which depict Portuguese traders) are now among Africa's most treasured art objects. To the Portuguese—and the English who eventually displaced them—Nigeria's most valuable commodity was its people. Between 1562 (when Sir John Hawkins carried Britain's first slave cargo to Haiti) and 1862 (when the last Nigerian was sold in the U.S. South), Nigeria's chiefs sold so many hundreds of thousands of their countrymen into slavery in the New World that Nigeria became known as the Slave Coast.


With slavery's passing and the coming of the Industrial Revolution, Britain's interest in Nigeria shifted from people to palm oil. To get the oil, British trading companies began to penetrate the interior of Nigeria—and after them came the Union Jack. By 1903, when Sir Frederick Lugard (later Lord Lugard) began his campaigns against the Northern emirs, British rule in Nigeria was an accepted international fact. But even yet no one conceived of northern and southern Nigeria as having anything but a geographical connection; the word Nigeria itself was coined by a London Times contributor named Flora Shaw—who later became Lady Lugard. Not until 1914, when Lugard, one of Britain's great colonial administrators, took over as Governor General of both North and South, was modern Nigeria born.

A Matter of Chance. The man who rules Nigeria today is two years older than his country. He was born simply Abubakar, the child of Yakubu, a minor official in the regime of the emir of Bauchi. (According to northern custom, he later added to his given name that of his village—Tafawa Balewa.) Though Abubakar was not of the mighty Fulani—his family belonged to the Geri tribe—his father's position won him the rare privilege of schooling in a region almost totally illiterate. After secondary school he was even able to get into Katsina Teachers' Training College, normally open only to sons of the northern feudal elite.

Armed with his rare education, Abubakar returned to the windswept Bauchi Plateau and settled down on the staff of a Boys Middle School; he was a born teacher, and might have spent his life there except for a chance remark by a friend, who said that no northern Nigerian had ever passed the examination for a Senior Teacher's Certificate. Piqued by this reflection on northern intelligence, Abubakar took the exam and, to the astonishment of southern colleagues, passed it with ease. Impressed, London University's Institute of Education granted him a scholarship in 1945.

Ferment at Home. Uninterested in politics, Abubakar stuck to his books, never met such hot-eyed young nationalists as Ghana's Kwame Nkrumah and Kenya's Jomo Kenyatta, who were also in London then. When the BBC sought a Nigerian to read Nigeria's new 1946 constitution on its overseas service, Abubakar willingly took the job but had, he later confessed, not the slightest idea what the document he had read was all about.

Back home, there were plenty of noisy young men who did. Noisiest was the flamboyant Nnamde ("Zik") Azikiwe, a nimble Ibo spellbinder who had spent nine years in the U.S. working as a coal miner, professional boxer and gatherer of university degrees (Lincoln University, the University of Pennsylvania). Returning home, he became the loudest advocate of an independent, united Nigeria. Under the rising pressure, the British agreed to set up—as "advisory" bodies only—local Houses of Assembly in all three regions, plus a federal legislative council.

A Mere Intention. Abubakar Tafawa Balewa was hardly back from his year in London when the northern emirs, suddenly confronted with the need to find literate occupants for the northern seats in the federal assembly, pressed him into service. Like the emirs themselves, Abubakar started off with the fear that in a unified Nigeria the backward North itself would be swamped by the vigorous, better educated South. "Nigerian unity," he told the assembly, "is only a British intention for the country. It is artificial, and ends outside this chamber!"

With Zik & Co. sowing the seeds of rebellion in the South, the days of British rule in Nigeria were clearly numbered. But at conference after conference, the bemused British could only sit apart and smile as the Africans themselves delayed independence by interregional quibbling. Not until 1951 did the shape of the ultimate solution begin to appear: in return for accepting a federal legislature with real power, the North would get as many seats as the East and West combined.

A Rebel's Conversion. By then Nigerian politics had taken on a permanent three-way stretch. In the Ibo East, Zik's National Council of Nigeria and the Cameroons held sway. In the West, the Action Group, headed by shrewd, stodgy Chief Obafemi Awolowo (pronounced Ah-Wo-lo-wo), spoke for the Yoruba people. Northern power then (as now) meant tall, solemn Alhaji Ahmadu Bello, the Sardauna (commander) of Sokoto and boss of the Northern Peoples Congress.

Since the Sardauna had no interest in settling in Lagos among the "southern barbarians," Abubakar became the protector of northern interests in the capital. Grudgingly, he went along with federal unity to the extent of becoming Minister of Works. "From the start he was the best minister of them all," recalls a British civil servant. "He did his homework and sent his paperwork through swiftly." But he remained a northerner, not a Nigerian.

A Single Pride. His moment of enlightenment came in 1955, when Abubakar journeyed to the U.S. to find out whether what the U.S. had done to develop water transport on the Ohio and Mississippi rivers could be applied to the sand-clogged Niger. One night, as he sat in a Manhattan hotel room, he got to thinking about what he had seen in the U.S. His thoughts as he recalls them: 'In less than 200 years, this great country was welded together by people of so many different backgrounds. They built a mighty nation and had forgotten where they came from and who their ancestors were. They had pride in only one thing —their American citizenship." That night he wrote to a friend in Nigeria: "Look, I am a changed man from today. Until now I never really believed Nigeria could be one united country. But if the Americans could do it, so can we."

Day of Freedom. With that, a united, independent Nigeria became only a matter of constitution writing and tidying up the details of transferring power. The British, their long and successful work of tutoring done, were ready. In 1957 Sir Abubakar stepped in as Nigeria's first Prime Minister, to prepare the nation for full freedom. Last October 1, as drums rumbled, guns blared and exuberant citizens gleefully shuffled through the high-life dance, Nigeria's green and white banner rose over Lagos in place of the Union Jack.

Along with independence. Nigeria acquired one of the most stable and genuinely representative governments in Africa. To ensure the votes necessary to push through his programs, Abubakar brought Zik's N.C.N.C. into coalition with his own Northern Peoples Congress. As payment, longtime Firebrand Zik unpredictably accepted the ceremonial job of governor general. Chief Awolowo resigned himself to the role of Opposition leader.

Time & Tolerance. Despite the favorable omens under which Nigeria was born, the burdens on Sir Abubakar's slender shoulders are awesome. The diversity that gives Nigeria's government a kind of built-in system of checks and balances also poses the ever-present threat of fragmentation; to weld Nigeria's 250 major tribes with as many languages into a single, indivisible nation will require not only time but tolerance. With only 175,000 pupils receiving secondary education, schools are desperately needed. In terms of university graduates, Nigeria is better off than the Congo, but there are still only 532 qualified Nigerian doctors, 644 lawyers, 20 graduate engineers. Awolowo and others are demanding that Abubakar throw out the British holdovers who still occupy half of Nigeria's senior civil service posts; yet, as Abubakar points out, "Nigerianization" of the civil service cannot sensibly be completed until enough Africans themselves can be trained.


Economically, Nigeria is a "have" nation by African standards, is close to self-sufficiency in food. But with a per capita income of only $84, capital is lacking to move the economy beyond its present agricultural base. Tin, columbite (for jet-engine alloys) and coal are all being exported, but there is no money to develop the lead, zinc and iron ore that have been found in quantity. Abubakar dreams of building West Africa's first steel mill and a huge dam on the Niger. But the big hope is oil. After 25 years, Shell finally hit a gusher in 1956, figures the Niger Delta swamps contain reserves of perhaps one billion barrels.


The Cold Stare. Within Nigeria's brand-new government, corruption flourishes—to the chagrin of Sir Abubakar, who startles his colleagues by actually handing back the surplus of his expense-account money when he returns from a trip abroad. And where honesty exists, talent is often lacking. To get results, Sir Abubakar, normally mild and patient, hounds his ministers, occasionally displaying to inept underlings a towering temper never seen in public. An error can bring simply a long, cold stare; it can also bring an explosion, as it did recently when a minister tried to justify an obvious goof. "That is quite enough," snapped the Prime Minister. "Shut up and get out!"

To avoid wasting time in the horrendous Lagos traffic—where auto trips are measured in the number of cigarettes consumed rather than in minutes—Sir Abubakar lives in a modern, two-story cement house near his office with his wife and nine children—plus the swarming families of his chauffeur and police orderly. In the Moslem tradition, his wife does not appear in public; for formal dinner parties, Abubakar borrows the Irish wife of a fellow minister to act as hostess. Up for prayers at 6:30, Abubakar breakfasts in time to arrive at his office precisely at 8:15, heads home again at 2:15 in the afternoon with enough folders full of state papers to keep him busy until bedtime. Once a heavy smoker, Abubakar swore off after his 1957 pilgrimage to Mecca, now combats the tensions of his job by chewing the bitter kola nuts that he keeps in the pocket of his long white riga.


The Christian Virtues. In his public contacts, Abubakar is quiet and self-effacing, but in Parliament he has lately begun to vary his usual restrained tactics. Fortnight ago, when the House of Representatives was debating a mutual defense pact that would allow Britain's R.A.F. to retain facilities at Nigerian airfields, Opposition Leader Awolowo, intent on embarrassing the government, cried out in outrage that the proposed pact was a "swindle" that would automatically involve Nigeria in war if Britain got in trouble. In his rich, rolling bass, Sir Abubakar fired back: "I have always regarded the leader of the Opposition as a good Christian; in Christianity as in Islam, it is a sin to tell a lie." While Awolowo stared grimly at the ceiling, the Assembly ratified the treaty by a vote of 166 to 38.

Last week, on the heels of the defense-treaty debate, the avant-garde of Nigeria's young intellectuals were sneering at Abubakar's open admiration and affection for Britain. And all across Black Africa, the smart set of extreme nationalism accused Abubakar of the African version of Uncle Tomism. They were distressed by the instinctive anti-Communism that prevents him from joining in the delightful game of giving the "colonialists" the shivers by cozying up to Moscow. (At Nigeria's independence celebrations, when Russia's Jakob Malik cheerily announced that the Soviets planned to open a Lagos embassy immediately, Abubakar bluntly told him: "As a diplomat, you must understand that things are not done that way. You must submit an application for diplomatic relations, and we shall judge it on its merits.") Above all, the extremists are shocked that Abubakar can barely conceal his contempt for showboating Kwame Nkrumah and his schemes for Pan-African unification, instead urges that for the time being, African cooperation be limited to such practical steps as technical and cultural exchanges, a common U.N. front and, perhaps, economic agreements.

But for all of Ghana's contempt for its bigger Johnny-come-lately rival, Nigeria, less than two months after winning its independence, is on its way to becoming one of the major forces in Africa. Nigeria's dynamic U.N. Ambassador Jaja Wachuku is chairman of Dag Hammarskjold's Congo Conciliation Commission. A number of African nations, notably those of the French Community, are beginning to sidle up to Nigeria in visible relief at the emergence of a counterweight to the firebrands of Ghana and Guinea. And Abubakar himself has begun the wheeling and dealing abroad expected of a sovereign nation's leader; at last week's end he headed for London to mull over Commonwealth problems with Harold Macmillan, stopped off en route to discuss the Algerian war with Arab leaders in Tunis.


Like everything else about him, Sir Abubakar Tafawa Balewa's basic foreign policy principles are unpretentious: "We consider it wrong for the Federal Government to associate itself as a matter of routine with any of the power blocs . . . Our policies will be founded on Nigeria's interests and will be consistent with the moral and democratic principles on which our constitution is based." If Nigeria lives up to his words, Africa and the world will have cause to be grateful.


http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,895071,00.htm


so what went wrong??

Friday, January 26, 2007

a rather unfortunate case..


I've been following the case of the 21 year old Nigerian sentenced to death in Singapore. He was hanged early this morning (according to this report)

Read the full account of the case here
The case of Iwuchukwu Amara Tochi

Singapore's law against drug-trafficking has two stiffeners. The first is that if a person is found with 15 grams or more of diamorphine, then the court will presume that he is trafficking, and not just possessing it for his own consumption. It will be up to the defendant to refute that presumption; the prosecution does not have to prove it.

The second is the fact that if found guilty, the judge has no choice but to sentence the accused to hang. The law specifies the sentence and the judge has no discretion.

Critics have said that these features of our law may lead to something less than best possible justice.
Click here for the rest

------------------------------.

...its human nature












Ship's scavengers ignore police
Hundreds of people are continuing to rummage through cargo from the stricken ship MSC Napoli despite police road blocks and warnings to stay away.

I guess its not just in naija that people take advantage of any opportunity to make a quick buck, human nature is the same the world over...

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Decoding the chaos of Lagos

sElection 2007(84 days(state)/91 days(federal) to go)
part of a series of blog entries on the Nigerian elections in April 2007.


Just stumbled on this interesting article about Lagos
'The Megacity - Decoding the Chaos of Lagos' (by George Packer), it was printed in the november 2006 edition of The New Yorker
I couldn't find the full article on the New Yorker site but i found lots of references to it on the web.
Here's a reproduced copy of the article from nigeria village square

and what did the governor have to say about the deplorable state of Lagos ?

from the article:
I met the Governor in his large, gilt-trimmed flat on New Cavendish Street, in central London. Heavy-lidded and barefoot, wearing jeans and a striped T-shirt and sunk into an overstuffed sofa, Tinubu seemed to be temporarily convalescing from the job.
I gave him the letter from the Maroko Evictees Committee; he cited his achievements in employment and housing creation, on an annual budget of three quarters of a billion dollars, and he blamed the federal government --which is based in Abuja, two hundred and fifty miles to the northeast, and has long had a hostile relationship with Lagos--for politically motivated financial neglect. "I need ten times what I'm having today," Tinubu said. "The money that Lagos state is having is not enough to maintain a county hospital in New York."

The Governor, who once worked for Mobil Oil and for Deloitte, the accounting firm, brought out the report of a consultant hired to draw up a new master plan.
It was much the same as the old, neglected one. The key, Tinubu said, is "to arrest the unplanned growth in different directions, the octopus of unplanned and uncontrolled building." In London, the Governor sounded optimistic. He presented Lagos, with its phenomenal annual growth rate, as a victim of its own success.

Really "a victim of its own success", wow talk about someone living in denial. Its quite easy for him to blame all the problems of Lagos on the federal government but his government is no better. What has he done with the money generated by his government for the past 8 years?

Of course he can sit in his half a million pounds flat in London and talk shit. We can only hope that Lagosians will vote out his party at the next "elections"

just in case anyone is interested in contacting Bola Tinubu to find out why Lagos is in such a state. Please send him a letter at his flat here in London. He seems to spend a lot of his time there (rather than in Lagos)

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Re: Orange

I've modified my previous post about Orange - hasta la vista orange (and removed the email addresses i posted)
Before you think I was threatened with a law suit, i got a call from someone higher up in the corporate chain at Orange apologising for the way i had been treated. They promised to look into the issues i raised and "to work on improving their customer service". (yeah and pigs will fly...)

Unfortunately my attempt to claim compensation for 'emotional distress' was politely refused.
It was worth a try, if a prisoner saved from suicide can get £575,000 in compensation from the home office, i see no reason why i can't get paid for my 'distress'.

But its all water under the bridge, i've moved to TMobile and i'm not going back..

--------------------------------
Can this really be happening?
A minister waking up to his responsibilities..

Fani-Kayode demands lower international air fares

New Aviation minister, Femi Fani-Kayode (FFK) is talking tough these days, according to the report he said
"the Federal Government would no longer accept racist comments against Nigerian travellers, as well as cases of missing baggage, pointing out that British Airways was the worst culprit."

Fani-Kayode warned that the Federal Government would no longer tolerate rudeness from its staff towards Nigerian travellers, saying: "We would no longer condone such behaviours and if you think I am joking, then let it happen again."

He stated further that, the Committee, among its term of reference would ascertain if Nigerian passengers are over charged compared to what the Airlines charge passengers of other countries.

"If the committee finds out that our fear is true, then I will have no choice than to forward you a recommendation for downward review of your rates and whoever refuses will just have to close his operation in Nigeria. I don't care how much that decision is going to make us suffer here" he said.

Tough talk indeed lets hope he has the backbone to back it up with real action.
I had always thought FFK was a bit of a loudmouth and Obj's errand boy, but if he actually ends up carrying out his threat against BA and Virgin Atlantic then i may have to re access my opinion of him.

BA's response to FFK's initial outburst 2 weeks ago was quite funny, apparently they were "very distressed" by his comments.
The BA spokesman further added that "We will be visiting the minister personally next week to address his concerns"

Well it seems either the "Hamper" they sent to him wasn't big enough or the man is dead serious about this issue...

see previous post relating to this issue

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Whats all the fuss about?

So i check out the Guardian's website and shock horror, the major news story of the day is about celebrity big brother and how some bollywood actress, Shilpa Shetty was subject to racist bullying on the show.

Apparently someone called her a dog and another referred to her using the c word.
According to the report:
The show has now prompted more than 17,500 complaints to media regulator Ofcom and Big Brother broadcaster Channel 4 in the UK, while the controversy has been widely reported in India.

And now the politicians have joined in, Blair and Gordon Brown have made comments and the Indian government has promised to "take appropriate measures". (yeah like banning the export of bollywood films to the UK LOL)

When issues like this become headline news you know its a slow week (i.e. no important event/disaster to report)

Personally i haven't seen celebrity big brother, not that i'll ever be caught dead watching such crap, there are far more interesting things to use my remaining brain cells for.

The 17,500+ people complaining to ofcom should do what most people do when confronted with a crappy show on tv, change the channel.
If no one watches it guess what happens, it gets cancelled. ..

------------------------------
She's not racist because...

The political party we love to hate was in the news again. It seems they have quite a few high profile members

BNP ballerina dances through protest by anti-racists

a quick recap to this story
Simone Clarke, a ballerina with the English National Ballet (a publicly funded organisation) was reported by The Guardian to be a member of the British National Party (BNP) during an investigation into the far-right organisation.

Now what i found quite interesting about the story is this part:
Richard Barnbrook, BNP councillor for Barking and Dagenham, where the far-right party is the official opposition, said: "I don't normally go to the ballet but I'm going to support Simone Clarke. I'm supporting her freedom of expression."

Richard Barnbrook, said she had his full backing and that he did not object to her relationship with Cuban-Chinese dancer Yat-Sen Chang. "She's not racist - she's going out with someone who is not of her own race," he said. But he said, he hoped the couple would not have children.

"I'm not opposed to mixed marriages but their children are washing out the identity of this country's indigenous people," he explained, quickly adding: "That's my view, it's not the party's view."

Now that really cracked me up, has to be one of the best excuses i have ever heard. I wonder what simone's cuban-chinese partner has to say about it...




Monday, January 15, 2007

Hasta la vista Orange

see previous post

I just got blacklisted by Orange's email server for sending a complaint to its CEO Sanjiv Ahuja. (I sent him an email last week when i didn't get any response from their customer services or the morons they employ at their call center)

I sent a reply to an email sent by their customer services today and got a "553 - Sorry, your email address has been blacklisted" response. So i've now sent it from another account and i have also copied Sanjiv Ahuja again (i'm a bit of a troublemaker if you don't know by now
LOL)

To be honest i don't really care anymore as i've finally got my contract cancelled, but you have to laugh at a company that will go to the extent of blacklisting a customer's email address for complaining to its CEO.

>>>
Part of the information posted here has been removed due to an apology from orange
>>>

check out blagger.com for more details about Orange's "excellent" customer services
http://www.blagger.com/db4/company_id/223/companyname/Orange.html

mobile review forums
http://forum2.mobile-review.com/showthread.php?t=7266

--------------------------
Blood Oil
The current edition of Vanity Fair has a great article by Sebastian Junger on the Ijaw (MEND) struggle over oil in Nigeria - http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/features/2007/02/junger200702

makes for an interesting and scary read

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Now this is a really bad road
I take back all the things i've said about the bad roads in Lagos. Apparently this is what a bad road looks like
The most dangerous road in the world: The Russian Siberian Road to Yakutsk











































Friday, January 12, 2007

what our politicians say (and what they really mean)

sElection 2007
(92 days(state)/99 days(federal) to go)

This is the start of a series of blog entries on the Nigerian elections in April 2007.

Its
sElection time in Naija in a couple of weeks and our politicians are in overdrive. Naijas must be suffering from an overload of political bullshit as the politicians try to manipulate and convince anyone who will listen that they will work for the country's interest (rather than their own).
Listening to their crap you start to notice that they use the same words all the time. Here are a few popular statements and what they really mean..


"
overheat the polity"
means as your actions are not in my favour, i will rally my kinsmen/ethnic loyalists and tell them you hate them all.

"
monumental rape on democracy"
means since you out rigged me at the sElections, my thugs and i are going to cause as much trouble as we can until the results are reversed or cancelled.

"
Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria"
means long may we continue to feed off this gravy train called Nigeria

"
Fellow Nigerians"
meaning you ungrateful idiots lucky enough to have me ruling over you, better drop what you are doing and listen..

"
God bless Nigeria"
means not that i care what God does with any of you, but God has definitely blessed me and i hope he continues to let me oppress you lot forever.

"
May God help us in this country"
means as we lack the resources to govern ourselves, we wish to outsource the running of the country to whatever higher power is out there.

"
its God's will" (depends on the context)
means as we obviously can not blame ourselves for the catastrophe (since x decided to embezzle the money allocated to repair y) we have decided to blame God since he should have warned us of the disaster.
or could also
mean stop complaining about the fraudulent manner in which i won, i was just smarter than my opponents


"
I have nothing to hide"
means of course i have plenty to hide but no one will dare investigate me as they too have a lot to hide

"
a victory for democracy"
means you are the loser I am the winner (or in
i go chop your dollar style 'you are the mugu i am the master')

"
capable of derailing the 2007 elections"
means your actions may allow my opponent to out rig me at the sElections

"
capable of derailing the country's nascent democracy"
means we can't allow those khaki boys to come back and spoil our enjoyment of the national cake

"
threatening to derail the task of nation-building"
means we can't allow anyone distract us from embezzling public funds

"
threaten the corporate existence of Nigeria"
means any action that will derail this gravy train must be resisted at all costs

"
ensure the sanctity of our constitution"
means we have a 'gentleman' agreement and you must keep to that agreement

"
contrary to the provisions of the 1999 Constitution"
means you have not kept to our original agreement and what you are doing is not in my interest

"
It is therefore illegal, unconstitutional and a gross abuse of office"
means you have stabbed me in the back and this will seriously affect my financial wellbeing


Thursday, January 11, 2007

Welcome to the most expensive city in the world


According to a recent report by Swiss bank UBS London is the world's most expensive city.

Which obviously explains why everyone is swimming in debt
so what does it feel like living in the most expensive city in the world ?
it sucks...

With the congestion charges, ridiculous parking fines, council tax (and very soon another crazy tax from crazy ken to pay for the olympics) you really wonder how much more the average Londoner can take.

Don't even get me started on public transport

Public transport is so expensive that its probably cheaper flying to New york than taking a train to Manchester. I feel like i'm been mugged anytime i pay for public transport.

I suppose if you're one of those who works at Goldman Sachs then its all good (i am not bitter why should i be ???)

me, i'd rather live somewhere else...
-----------------------------

The future is not bright (with orange)

Orange has got to be the worst company i have ever dealt with. I've had the misfortune of dealing with quite a few hopeless companies (e.g Northern Rock) but Orange has got be the worst. No wonder they feature on The Guardian's 'The worst of the worst' (as in one of the worst companies in 2006)

I've spent the better part of today dealing with the morons they call customer agents and i think i have had enough. I've been a customer for over 5 years and i would rather use a can and a string than remain an orange customer.
If you're still with orange i suggest you switch to another company, you've been warned.
I hope their legal department reads this (go ahead sue me...)

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

ijebuman's 2006 awards

so now that 06 has entered the dustbin of history and we're well into 07, here are ijebuman's personal awards to those who made 2006 an interesting year..


roll drums

The "I'll Do Anything To Meet A Celebrity" award goes to Bukola Saraki, Governor of Kwara state - http://www.kwarastate.gov.ng/jayz.htm
ijebuman expects a name check for Saraki and Kwara state on Jay Z's next double CD


The "Dirty Slap" award (as in they all deserve a slap) goes to the management of ThisDay for that october concert (See previous post for details)
its not like ijebuman to kick people when they are down (as they actually lost quite a bit of money organising the concert) regardless they still deserve a dirty slap...


The "Darth Vader" award goes to Andy Uba for doing his master's bidding.
For all his troubles Obj has rewarded him with Anambra state. a nice quid pro quo, ijebuman thinks


The "Mugu Award" goes to Imoh Udoh's for this excellent blog (viewer discretion advised) - http://imoh-udoh.blogspot.com/
ijebuman almost wet himself (from laughter) reading "his blog"


The "Is This Some Kind Of Joke" award goes to the world bank for the following story: Nigeria 'using Abacha cash well'
according to the report:
A World Bank statement said the stolen funds were "utilised for development projects in five sectors".
It said the study showed significant increases in spending in 2004 in areas such as power, roads, water, education and health. [snip]

ijebuman is a bit confused as most Nigerians spent the xmas and new year holidays without electricity, the shock absorbers on most cars in naija has to be changed frequently due to bad roads, the education sector is a joke and the hospitals, abeg lets not even go there..


The "Who's Your Daddy" award goes to Obj for derailing IBB's presidential dreams
ijebuman had predicted that Obj will never handover to IBB as Obj did not trust him (and IBB did not support his third term agenda) but seriously who cares as long as IBB never rules naija again.


The "Comical Ali Honorary" award for lying in the face of incontrovertible evidence goes to Mohammed Ali (Divisional Police Officer (DPO) for Apapa Divisional Police Station) - see report Dare-devil robbers invade Apapa, kill 8

ijebuman read the report and it said 8 people died but it seems Ali had a different take on the incident:
Speaking on the robbery, Ali said only three people were killed and that the robbers could not enter into any of the banks and offices in Apapa due to the stiff opposition they got from the police.

Ok so 3 people died and no money was stolen, but then Ali goes on to say:
"I want to say categorically that they did not enter into any office and apart from two men, which one of them was a lunatic and a woman, nobody was killed. We battled them to the end until they escaped through Liverpool", he said.

On second thoughts i think this award should be jointly awarded to Ali and the dumbass reporter that wrote the story...


The "Tales By Moonlight" award goes to embattled VP (or is it now ex VP) - Abubakar Atiku for his boring lectures about defending democracy, please stop i'm practically falling asleep...
ijebuman finds it nauseating that Atiku has all of a sudden become a defender of "our" democracy. How times change now that he is facing the full wrath of Obj.


The "Ass Whooping" award goes to Arthur Nzeribe for losing the PDP senatorial primary election. He described the election as "a monumental rape on democracy" (i'm not joking those were his exact words)
ijebuman laughed so hard his ulcer almost came back. If there's anyone who has raped, infact "gang raped" democracy in Nigeria, it is Nzeribe.
Back in 93 IBB used him as a front to get a court injunction (using his group called association for a better Nigeria - ABN) against further announcement of the 1993 election results.


The "Coward of the County" Award goes to Globacom boss Mike Adenuga
IBB's front man oops sorry, business whiz kid Adenuga had a hard time in 2006 with those pesky boys from the EFCC. He did what any typical naija big man does when the heat is on, flee the country



Wednesday, December 27, 2006

IPG (ignorance, poverty and greed)

Lagos pipeline blast kills scores
At least 260 people have been killed and 60 injured in an oil pipeline blast in Nigeria's commercial capital, Lagos, Nigerian Red Cross (NRC) officials say...

Another shameful event, but I guess when people suffer from IPG (ignorance, poverty and greed) with a touch of mental illness called "god dey" what do you expect?

Meanwhile as if to prove that disasters in Nigeria or even Africa barely register on the international news radar, the most popular story on the BBC news website is about Pregnant Germans seeking cash bonus, apparently parents of babies born on or after 1 January in Germany will be entitled to up to 25,200 euros (£16,911, $33,300) to ease the financial burden of parenthood. (damn person don miss road come this country o)

but i digress
if people have stopped caring, its probably because it seems normal for people in Nigeria to die from:
a. An oil pipeline blast
b. A Plane crash
c. A Collapsed building
d. A Car or Bus accident
e. A Bomb explosion
f. Armed robbery
g. Religious riots
h. Political assassinations

i. Fake drugs
..

No wonder life expectancy has dropped to 47, with any of the above scenarios a likelihood in the life of the average nigerian, it'll be a miracle if anyone actually lives to a pensionable age


Wednesday, December 20, 2006

political recycling

Recycling may be good for the environment but political recycling is definitely not good for the nigerian environment. In the run up to the 2007 elections corrupt and discredited politicians and their godfathers have been sharing out positions as if it's their birth right.
With most of the primaries out of the way we finally have a clearer picture of what things will be like when Obj's term ends next year. The prognosis is not good; it's the same characters now playing different roles.
You have the likes of Tinubu playing Godfather in Lagos and imposing a candidate on his party (Action congress is so going to lose the election in Lagos state). You have Andy Uba (a modern day Festus Okotie Eboh) gunning for the governorship of Anambra state. Oyo state should be an interesting case now that Ladoja is back.
But i digress, at least IBB has been neutralised for now, i said in an earlier post that he could never be president because Obj doesn't trust him, but i wouldn't celebrate yet as he may still have some tricks up his sleeve.


Goodluck indeed...
Surely this man must have a good luck charm, Jonathan Goodluck must be the luckiest politician in Nigeria (apart from Obj). He was deputy governor of his state, and then as luck will have it, his boss was impeached and he became governor. Now he is running mate to the next president (the election is just for show, we all know the result), all without spending anything close to the millions the likes of Odili et al have spent on their presidential campaign.

What worries me about this guy apart from the money laundering accusation against his wife, is that he seems like an opportunist. He has never really been subject to the rigours of an election, he has got to where he is by sheer goodluck (so i guess his name really means something..)

At this rate if his luck doesn't run out, he could even become president a lot sooner than he expects, if Yar'adua kaputs due to kidney failure (lets face it he is going to need more than a dialysis machine to survive the next 4 years ruling naija) then guess who steps into his shoes?

paranoia or bullshit - Part Deux

see paranoia or bullshit (nov 17)

definitely bullshit...

Jr's passport arrived early this month but i am still pissed off at the behaviour of the passport office.

here's a brief recap of events (in what i'll like to call "double standards at the passport office")

Sent jr's passport app to passport office.
O, British born nigerian friend of 20 years is signatory.
Passport office writes to O, asking for further information and tell him to respond on "business headed paper".
O calls to complain about the "business headed paper" bit.
Don't know who he speaks to, but the person agrees that he can use plain paper.
Passport office sends form back to me, refuses to accept O as signatory as he refused to comply with the "business headed paper" request.
I call passport office to complain.
Passport office refuses to budge and tells me to find another signatory.
I'm really pissed off now but hold my peace (as we have a family holiday planned).
I decide to use a very good pal G.
G is white, I reckon lets see what modern day britain is like.
Junior's passport arrives a week after i sent application back.
Called G to find out if passport office asked him to do anything.
G laughs saying no one contacted him.
O is pissed...

Now i have my own theories as to why the passport office has behaved this way but i wanted to hear what they had say, so i fire off the following:
-------------------------
My complaint is about the way the Newport Passport office handled my son's passport application. I used a close friend of 20 years, Mr O as signatory on the passport application. He was sent a letter from the passport office dated xx/xx/2006 asking him further questions about me and was asked to "reply on business headed paper".
He called up the passport office and informed them he was unable to respond on any business headed paper as he was providing a personal reference not an official one. The person he spoke to agreed he could respond on a plain sheet of paper.

Some days later the passport office sent me a letter dated xx/xx/2006 and a new form asking me to provide a new signatory as Mr O "does not appear to meet the conditions for doing so"
I called the phone number on the letter and spoke to a Mrs R, who explained that Mr O refused to provide a reference on "business headed paper", she put me through to her supervisor who suggested that if Mr O complies with the request then the application will proceed.

I explained to Mrs R's supervisor that Mr O works for a financial institution and can not use his company's letterhead as his HR department will not allow it.
As a compromise i suggested that Mr O could get a covering letter from his company, but this offer was refused by Mrs R's supervisor.
I had no choice but to use another signatory, Mr G.
When my son's passport arrived last week, i called up G to confirm if the passport office had asked him to provide any letter and he told me no one had contacted him.

I find the way the passport office has handled this matter strange. A friend who has known me for over 20 years was not acceptable while someone who has known me for just 4 years is acceptable. Mr O was asked to produce a "business headed paper" while Mr G was not even contacted.

I am not going to jump to any conclusions here, but it is hard for anyone to convince me that the only reason why the passport office has handled this matter this way is because Mr O is black and Nigerian (British born Nigerian i should add) while Mr G is white.

[snip]
----------------------------
Its kind of bizarre that the passport office will encourage someone to use their employer's letterhead to give a personal reference, its actually a sackable offence in many companies. G was not asked to confirm anything, it seems his whiteness was enough criteria for the passport office (G said it not me lol)

I'm expecting the usual standard reply, full of the usual bullshit but they'll be making a very serious mistake if they think i'm not going to take this matter further.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tis the season...

its not just the season to be jolly, its the season for naija bashing. This time it's stateside where ABC did a feature on "Nigerian scams", featuring some gullible Americans and of course some Nigerians caught in the act on camera.

http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2705157
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=2712350

its unfortunate that honest hardworking naijas like myself have to share a country with some of these people but i can only hope that we're getting to a point where we all realise that the actions of a small minority is gradually defining the national character of all Nigerians.
That realisation will hopefully lead to a major change in how we perceive these crimes in our society.

But what about the so called gullible "innocent victims" (who are usually white), with all the noise made about 419 frauds why do they still fall for these scams ? I suppose the answer to this question lies in the recent report by chatham house on Nigerian-Related financial crime which suggests that:
"scam victims are led by a conscious or subconscious white Western sense of racial superiority. The fraudsters play on the enduring myth of African infantilism and simplemindedness: a European who believes in this might find it unremarkable that a Nigerian holding tens of millions of dollars would be clueless about what to do with it. In such circumstances, what could be more natural than to turn to the clever white person for help?"

-----------------------------------------
50p for a dollar


ok i'm not a currency speculator but as a correct ijebu man (who can smell a good bargain from a mile away) i am caught up in the 'excitement' of the dollar hitting the 50p mark (i suppose £1 for $2 sounds much better)

anyway whats my own self, its not that i can hit NYC this xmas for some serious retail therapy. (i hate shopping but there must be something in the air in New York that turns me into a shopping freak).
I want to go but wifey no 'gree as she wants to go too, which means jr goes. My argument that it is not a 'holiday' but a 'shopping trip' did not convince her. Whats the point of spending so much money on accommodation (as wifey will never stay in a cheap hotel/hostel), when we could spend it in Macys.
Abi its not as if we haven't been to New York before, but as the experts keep saying marriage is all about compromise, so i have compromised..

so here i am on a soggy tuesday afternoon reminiscing about New York while every man and his dog is heading over there...

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

from the archives: a previous exchange with Tony Levene

Regarding my last post about the guardian's Tony Levene, below is the email i sent to him in 2003 as a result of his usual naija bashing. Unfortunately he still has not changed his ways, shame my ijebu jazz doesn't work on oyibos (yet)

----- Original Message -----
From: ijebuman
To: jobs.and.money@guardian.co.uk
Cc: letters@guardian.co.uk
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2003 12:40 PM
Subject: Regarding Nigerians (Capital letters 13/12/2003)


Dear Tony Levene

I found your response to the letters from RD (from Nottingham) - 'Ignore this fake NatWest email' and BN (from Devon) '$41.5M offer is a fraud' in Jobs and Money (The Guardian 13/12/03) very offending.

I'm a regular Guardian reader and also a Nigerian. It's rather unfortunate that you could immediately assume that the Natwest email spam was "probably from Nigeria". I got this same email and traced it to the same site you mentioned and there was no evidence that this site was operated by Nigerians or from Nigeria.

A similar incident which affected Nationwide and Halifax (which i received as well) was traced to Russia (http://www.computercops.biz/article3829.html).

The second letter you responded to also suggests to the writer that its another Nigerian scam without any proof or evidence to back it up. I expect such reporting from papers like The Sun and Daily Mail not from The Guardian.

You might as well be telling all Guardian readers out there that all fraud is from Nigeria. What about online scams originating from Russia and some east european countries ? How about dodgy lottery companies operating from postal boxes in Canada etc

This is a worldwide phenomena and i find it quite strange that you should single out Nigeria without any iota of evidence. I do not deny that Nigeria is well known for 419 scams but as you could not provide any proof of where the scams came from how do you know they were from Nigeria ?

A lot of hard working honest Nigerians live in this country and a lot of us are doing a lot of work to reverse the negative image the country has gained as a result of the antics of a tiny minority. Sweeping comments like yours (with no backing EVIDENCE) only contributes to the false stereotypes associated with Nigerians.

Rather than doing some research and providing useful information, you have chosen to malign a nation of over a 100 million people.

I hope you have the guts to print this email or provide proof that the above scams were from Nigeria.


Yours Sincerely

------------------------------------------------------------

This was his response

----- Original Message -----
From:
To: ijebuman
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2003 12:50 PM
Subject: Re: Regarding Nigerians (Capital letters 13/12/2003)



You are right to be sensitive about this. And you are right to be offended
even though we have every reason to believe those behind this came from
Nigeria or neighbouring countries. We shall run your letter.

Tony Levene
--------------------

He never produced any evidence but he did print my letter in the guardian


my response

----- Original Message -----
From: ijebuman
To:
Sent: Monday, December 15, 2003 7:05 PM
Subject: Re: Regarding Nigerians (Capital letters 13/12/2003)


And i have every reason not to, You may have your opinions about Nigeria and
to be honest i don't really care about them however if you're going to make
sweeping statements at least produce backing evidence.

It's like the government's Iraqi dossier with the 45 minute claim. Provide
the evidence Mr Levene and then you can blame Nigeria/Nigerians for any
other crime you can think of.

Have a nice xmas

ijebuman

------------------------------

I get really pissed off with the way the likes of Levene label all Nigerians 'fraudsters', yes they are a few bad eggs amongst us but which country doesn't have them.
If all Nigerians committed fraud, the UK economy will probably collapse. I work for a FTSE 100 company and i'm in a position where if i was so inclined i could take my employers to the cleaners (and with my special ijebu jazz i go just disappear).
There are loads of naijas in similar positions, contributing their own quota to the UK economy, most of us will rather contribute to the Naija economy but unfortunately we're not in a position to do so.

the writing is on the wall

Going on from my rant yesterday about the horrible TV licence, it seems new technology may finally make the concept of the TV licence redundant. (i'm practically wetting myself with glee)

According to the sunday times:

The pace of change is threatening to make the historic television licence fee redundant, or at least unenforceable. Viewers currently need a licence only to view live broadcasts but not for catch-up or on-demand TV services, or those downloaded over the internet, regardless of how they are viewed.

Much of the output offered by BT’s new Vision service, and its competitors, can now be viewed without a licence. As viewers increasingly choose to watch on-demand, the licence fee will not apply.

If your TV is not used to receive live TV programme services you do not need a licence,” said a spokesman for the Television Licensing Authority (TVLA). “But you would have to demonstrate that you were not using it to view programmes in this way. Each case is judged on its merits, but not having an aerial and not having the channels tuned in would help your case, for example.

“If someone with BT Vision could demonstrate they were not using it for live programmes then they would not need a licence.”

Dave Chilvers, chairman of Continental Research, a media analyst, said: Watching TV over the internet is on the rise and there will be a migration to the personal computer as the home’s main entertainment hub. With companies like BT and Channel 4 entering the market comes the question: if you don’t have a conventional TV, why should you pay the licence fee?”

Even if you did break the law by watching live television over the internet, it’s hard to see how the TVLA could police this. Detector vans are unable to track internet data — though the TVLA may be able to force your internet service provider to squeal on you.

read full article here
Dawn of a new television age
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2105-2481053.html

-------------------------------------------------
When "other" people commit fraud

This is how the guardian reports it
http://money.guardian.co.uk/scamsandfraud/story/0,,1961824,00.html

No mention of race or nationality , we can only assume the culprits are british and white. Now if na naija we all know how that report will be presented. The interesting thing is the report was written by Tony Levene (the guardian's money editor), whose favourite phrase is 'probably Nigerians' .



Monday, December 04, 2006

planet earth



The BBC documentary programme 'planet earth' has to be the best documentary series on TV at the moment.
I'm not a big fan of the BBC, i don't buy into all that crap about "quality programming" to justify the ridiculous tax we pay to them. However its good to see that some of the cash has been spent wisely and not all of our money has ended up in the pockets of their fat cat directors
Regardless, I still hate the TV licence and the only reason i pay it is because ... some bastard gave them my name. Its not really about the money, more about why do i have to pay for a channel i hardly watch. Wetin concern me with strictly come dancing, casualty, eastenders and the other crap they show. Ok i admit i watch Crimewatch from time to time but that's just to check out what 'awon boys' have been up to..

but i digress (phew I had to get that rant about the TV licence out of my system )

Last night's episode was about seasonal forests and the amazing trees that inhabit them. These forests are the lungs of the planet and they replenish the atmosphere with oxygen. A lot of the exceptional trees that grow in these forests are under threat. Many of them like the Bristlecone pines in California can live for about 5,000 years.
A particular specimen nicknamed "Methuselah" is estimated to be 4,700 years old (meaning this tree was around before Christ was born).
Another remarkable tree is the sequoia tree, the tallest tree in the world, it can reach a height of 115.5m (thats as high as a 30 storey building) and can live for over 2,000 years.
I saw a specimen at the Natural history museum here in London, it was cut down in the late 19th century and by then it was already 1,300 years old.

The point i'm trying to make here is, we live on a remarkable piece of real estate that we don't really appreciate, considering its the only habitable piece of rock in the solar system we need to take good care of it, not destroy it along with the remarkable creatures that share it with us.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Nigerian unwords

Some suggested words to add to the Nigerian vocabulary courtesy of unwords.com and examples of how they can be used in a Nigerian context.

007 du(b'?l-o--se(v'?n)
(n.) A license to kill; used in medical terminology when someone makes a mistake.
example: another name for the qualification the current crop of medical students (produced by our under funded teaching hospitals) will get.

404 (fôr-o--fôr)
(n.) A clueless person.
example: 90% of the Nigerian police force, 95% of our politicians

balkanize (bôl'k?-ni(z)
(v.) To divide a region into small parts much like the Balkans.
example: worst case scenario if project Nigeria fails

becusing (be--kyü-si(ng)
(adj.) Bemusing and confusing
example: events happening in Oyo, Anambra, Ekiti and Plateau states

blamestorming (bla-m'stôr'mi(ng)
(n.) A method of collectively finding one to blame for a mistake no one is willing to confess to.
example: what Nigerian government officials do whenever a disaster happens (in most cases God is the culprit)

bushspeak (bush-speek)
a. (n.) Language spoken by George W. Bush. Words used by an individual that are similar to the style of speech used by George W. Bush.
b. (adj.) Totally incomprehensible. A statement that does not make sense.
example: any statement by IBB and Borishade (ex Aviation minister)

dementocracy (di-men'tok'r?-se)
a. (n.) A society in which the most demented members rise to the top.
example: Nigeria

déjà foo (da-'zhä fü)
(n.) A mistake one has already seen or made once before.
example: will apply to the current crop of politicians who are making the same mistakes that ended the first and second republics

discrimihate (di(-skri(m'?-ha-t')
(v.) To set apart as being different and to place hate on at the same time.
example: Nigerians abroad (especially in the UK and US) admired and hated at the same time.

disremember (di(s'ri(-m?m'b?r)
(v.) To remember something incorrectly.
example: selective amnesia, what anyone supporting IBB is suffering from

FIMS
(acronym) Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome.
example: occurs when the mouth is engaged before the brain, afflicts obj regularly

glibido (gli-be'do)
a. (n.) All talk and no action.
example: methinks this will apply to almost every Nigerian i know lol

God Mob (God mob)
a. (n.) A large group of people who gather in a (usually predetermined) location, pray a brief prayer, give a shout of praise to the Lord, and then quickly disperse. Any group of people who attend a religious service.
example: 99.9999% of Nigerians

guesstimate (ge(s't?-mi(t')
(n.) A very basic guess on the solution to something.
(v.) ge(s't?-ma-t'. To estimate by guessing.
example: any official figure relating to Nigeria e.g population of Lagos

ideality (i-'de--a(l'i(-te-)
(n.) Frequently the opposite to reality. A dimension only spoken of in textbooks and lectures, and yet, while greatly desired, never seems to the case.
example: what every Nigerian hopes for Nigeria

irritainment (i(r'i(-ta-n'm?nt)
(n.) Entertainment that makes one irritated.
example: most nollywood films

undocumentioned (u(n-do(k'y?-me(n'sh?n'e(d)
(adj.) Describing something that is both undocumented and unmentionable.
example: Lagos traffic laws, planning laws, environmental laws etc

WMDs (du(b'?l-yü e(m de-s)
(n.pl.) Weapons of Mass Distraction.
example: EFCC, gradually becoming a tool for political blackmail against opponents while obj's cronies are left alone.

verbal-vomit (vûr'b?l-vo(m'i(t)
(n.) Spontaneous comments that make no sense, have no point, or are completely off the subject.(also known as diarrhoea of the mouth)
example: afflicts the likes of Sunny Okogwu (IBB's in law) who claimed oil belongs to the north



inspired by david dylan's excellent post 'Know your Nigerian Political Dictionary'

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The "Others"

The others
If you're a fan, you'll know the group i'm talking about. The Others are the mysterious inhabitants of the fictional island in the American television series' Lost'. No one knows who they are, their true motives or agenda.


Back in the day, Seinfeld was one of my favourite shows on TV, it was also one of the most popular TV programs of the 1990s. The DVD collection for season 7 was released this week, normally i wouldn't have noticed but i did notice due to the publicity generated by one of the stars of the show, Michael Richards (who played Kramer on the show).
Apparently he launched into a 3 minute racist tirade at a couple of black hecklers at a comedy
club last friday. Unfortunately for him it was recorded and posted on youtube

Here's a brief transcript of what he said:

'Shut up, 50 years ago we'll have you upside down with a fork up your ass
you can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker
throw his ass out, he's a nigger, he's a nigger, he's a nigger
look there's a nigger'
[snip]

the full clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T7uKvpzVXI

Richards has since apologised describing his outburst as one of "pure rage". In a statement he said "I'm deeply, deeply sorry... I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this."

Yeah right, we heard the same crap from Mel Gibson when he had diarrhoea of the mouth and made anti-Semitic remarks and not too long ago from Ron Atkinson after calling Chelsea player Marcel Desailly,"a fucking lazy thick nigger"

Why and what is Richards apologising for? its not as if he didn't mean what he said. The only reason he is apologising is because it got posted all over youtube, and the media picked up the story. It wasn't as if anyone cared, Richards still performed at the club the following night but because of the bad publicity the club has since stated that he is no longer welcome at the venue.

I don't even understand why anyone was shocked. Wake-up call, there are a lot of people out there who hate black people and there are a lot of people out there who share his views (some people in the audience were still laughing at what he was saying)

I have my own theory about it, you never truly know someone, until you've seen them angry or drunk. Once the layers of control is removed as a result of the intoxicating effects of alcohol or the effects of anger, the true person shows up (rather than their PR spokesperson) and sometimes the "real person" can be really scary and ugly.
I remember a couple of years ago i went out with some colleagues from work, we had a few drinks, and I then had to listen to the worst racist crap I had ever heard in my life. When i couldn't take it anymore i left. The shocking thing about that incident was not the racist comments; it was the 'silence' from the others who heard it, like the Richards incident some even found it funny.

Hiding behind political correctness
The whole 'Political Correctness' thing is creating a situation where people just suppress their true feelings. From time to time they find other avenues to express them, e.g. at elections.
I'm far more comfortable with the likes of Nick Griffin and his BNP posse; at least we know where they stand. They make no excuses about their hatred of foreigners (besides the BNP has promised to send all foreigners back to their home country for free and pay them a lump sum, i heard its around 20k, hey thats enough money to make me a chief in ijebuland lol)

Its the 'others' i'm concerned about, are they hiding their true feelings because it is politically correct to do so?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Our opium

religion the opium of the masses - Karl Marx

My strong views about religion, especially when it comes to Nigerian pentecostal churches, makes quite a few of my friends and relations uncomfortable. To make matters worse i'm also quite vocal about it, so from time to time i get lectured about criticising "men of God" and the whole "touch not my anointed" crap.
Some of them have taken it upon themselves to try and "put me on the right path". They seem to have this strong need to make me conform to their belief system.

The other day someone gave me a book called 'Problems of Life - The Christian Perspective' by a Rev Bola Majekodunmi. It has an "interesting theory" about the reason behind the poor economic situation in Nigeria.


On Page 25 he states that:
'
Our problem is not global recession, it all started in 1977
when we used God's oil money to promote and display demons of Africa under the
pretence of rich African culture, all nations of Africa brought their idols (
He
is referring to the Festival of Arts and Culture,
Festac 77 held in Nigeria in 1977), we built a town for them called Festac town and a big theatre, the capital expenses ran into millions of dollars.
God was up there, repenting he ever created us. There was no
time our government ever sponsored a gospel crusade.

[snip]

'The whole world has turned against us, threatening sanctions
all over, it is not that we don't have good government but the sins of our
fathers will not permit them to perform, the demons we invited have taken their
permanent residence here.'


At this point i stopped reading the book.

stumbled on this blog and its quite refreshing reading someone else's take on our obsession with religion.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The "billions" in Naija ???

Nigeria scams 'cost UK billions'
Financial crime in the UK stemming from Nigeria involves "billions of pounds" but not enough is being done to stop it, a report has concluded.
Internet scams, credit card fraud and money laundering are going unchecked by governments in both countries, research group Chatham House says.


Here we go again another round of Nigeria bashing, the BBC is reporting that Nigerian scams is costing the UK "billions" while this morning's metro had the headline Nigeria scams cost £150 million a year.

Sometimes i wonder if the BBC has it in for naija, reading the full report i didn't see any proof of the so called "billions". It seems the BBC has thrown objectivity away and gone the trashy tabloid route when it comes to reports about naija.
Its not that i'm surprised, they did the same thing with the real story.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I'm disgusted Part 2

I'm disgusted Part 1

disgust
To excite nausea or loathing in; sicken.
To offend the taste or moral sense of; repel.

n.
Profound aversion or repugnance excited by something offensive.

dis·gust·ed
adj.
Filled with disgust or irritated impatience.

-----------------------------------------
The nominees have changed but the feeling remains the same

I'm disgusted with (in no particular order)

Lagos state government
reason: for letting Lagos become a dump.

Bola Tinubu, governor of Lagos state (disgust x2)
reason: for that dumb ad on the radio praising him for doing a 'great' job as governor of Lagos. What great job?? (see my previous posts about the state of Lagos)
The lying, 'chicago certificate forging' S.O.B makes me sick. I hope he never smells another political position.

Omar al-Bashir, President of sudan
reason: Darfur

Kofi Annan
reason: lameduck UN secetary. He was Undersecretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations when the Rwandan genocide happened. According to Romeo Dallaire (UN commander in Rwanda during the genocide) in his book Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda Annan 'held back UN troops from intervening to settle the conflict and from providing more logistic and material support' which could have helped defend the Tutsis.

The same thing is now happening in Darfur

Jacob Zuma (former deputy president of south africa)
reason: for his reckless statements, especially about Aids . Unfortunately it's possible that he could become the next president of South Africa as he is very popular among the poor.

The idiots at ThisDay
reason: for spending a tonne of money to bring 'foreign talent' to naija (the october independence show) when we have enough local talent around. Tickets were going for about 25K naira (100K Naira for VIPs).
So the lowest priced ticket was about £100, Unbe'fucking'lievable !!!. The most i've ever paid to see a concert is £40 and that was Michael Jackson (in 96). I don't care if Beyonce and Jay Z were going to put on a live sex show, it was a complete waste of money, especially in a country like naija.

Lamidi Adedibu, Political Godfather in Oyo state
reason: for turning Oyo state into his personal fiefdom. I don't understand, how can one old man (he is almost 80) hold a whole state to ransom. The guy "appoints" or "removes" the governor depending on his mood. Can't someone give him "a cup of tea" or something to put him out of his misery.
I suggest the 'tea treatment' to all political Godfathers (Saraki in Kwara and that fool in Anambra) Its about time these people moved on and allowed fresh blood into the Nigerian political scene.

Anyone supporting IBB
reason: do i even have to give a fucking reason?
Do they hate Nigeria so much that they feel IBB should be inflicted on the country again.

Bisi Abiola, one of Abiola's wives (disgust x2)
reason: for supporting IBB

Condoleezza Rice, US Secretary of State
reason: US "foreign policy"
I don't have time for Bush, he has his hands full with his party's poor showing at the mid term polls. I just don't understand Condo, she's obviously very smart, so what is she doing with Bush et al?


Peddlers of Religion (especially of the 'pentecostal kind')
reason: for trying to suck me into their 'religious vortex'
I'm tired, you've already got my sisters and my wife, stay away from me or i'll use ijebu 'jazz' on you.


To be continued (soon)

Co-Sleeping

As first time parents, wifey and i are learning on the job, as regards to raising a child. Somewhere along the way it seems we've allowed Jr to determine the 'rules of engagement'. A few weeks ago, after a couple of sleepless nights in his moses basket, we sort of gave in and allowed him to sleep in our bed.
He has not left since then..

What's that saying 'two's a company, three's a crowd'. I love my boy but he is gradually turning into a 'passion killer'. So I've been devising some crafty ways of getting him out of our bed, then i stumbled on this article from the times -
ONE of Britain’s leading experts on children’s
mental health has advised parents to reject years of convention and allow
children to sleep in bed with them until the age of five.
Margot Sunderland, director of education at the
Centre for Child Mental Health in London, says the practice, known as
“co-sleeping”, makes children more likely to grow up as calm, healthy
adults
.
forget ooo, there's no way i'm allowing him sleep in our bed till he is five.
Ok maybe for a few more weeks, better to sacrifice now than have to pay for therapy later, abi wetin man go do ?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Paranoia or Bullshit

Naija person dey suffer for this town, sometimes i just feel pissed off at the way every naija has to carry the can for all the fraudulent activities of a small number of our citizens. Its not as if i can change my name from ijebuman to blackburn man, besides i'll die first before i 'anglicise' my name.

Anyway i sent off Jr's UK passport application to the passport office, Since its his first pali (unfortunately he can only get the green one when he is 5), it has to be signed by a signatory who is a british citizen. I got my good pal O, whom i have known for over 20 years to sign it. I get plenty britico/naija friends but i knew O is like me and will not take crap from anyone if they decide to be 'funny'.
My peeps, as naija you have to be extra prepared, UK immigration authorities seem to have decided to apply different 'rules' when dealing with "all" nigerians. (lets not fool ourselves, we're all bloody 'foreigners', all those 'naija coconuts' out there just wait till the BNP gets into power ).

Anyway, i wasn't too surprised when O called to tell me he was sent a letter at work from the passport office, asking him "further questions" about my son's application. They wanted O to respond to the "further questions" on business headed paper.
We both laughed, abi wetin person go do now. O na investment banker and trust me he has to deal with a lot more 'shit' about naija than me, anyway he called them up and asked them to clarify the "business headed paper" part as he is shocked that they actually expect him to use his employer's stationery to respond to a personal matter. So O told them no way and of course the person he spoke to now said "it wasn't really necessary" and that plain paper will do.

I hate bullshit they should just come out and tell us these things. You know these "people" rather than come out and say the truth that they think all 'naija peeps' are fraudulent and can't be trusted, they try to use 'agbari'..
Or maybe i'm just having a bad day and being paranoid, and this 'policy' actually applies to everyone and not just naijas.
Somehow i doubt it, i've been in this town long enough to smell bullshit a mile away.
-----------------------

Whats de Koko??
Ok i'm ashamed to admit it but hey what the heck, i absolutely love that d'banj remix video/song tongolo it has finally toppled my other favourite youtube naija video/song i go chop your dollar
Wifey absolutely hates the song and she's not too happy that Jr is been exposed to such lyrics. Like i care, when she is 'exposing' him to her "jesu feran mi" naija music, i don't complain now, abeg if we wan 'hear about 'dekoko' let nobody spoil our fun jo.

Naija music is going through a major renaissance, with artists like Lagbaja leading the way. And the videos too are just getting better, Lagbaja's Never far away has to be one of the best.

meanwhile..
stumbled on this video by a guy called biglo (is this guy for real ???)