Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Nigerian unwords

Some suggested words to add to the Nigerian vocabulary courtesy of and examples of how they can be used in a Nigerian context.

007 du(b'?l-o--se(v'?n)
(n.) A license to kill; used in medical terminology when someone makes a mistake.
example: another name for the qualification the current crop of medical students (produced by our under funded teaching hospitals) will get.

404 (fôr-o--fôr)
(n.) A clueless person.
example: 90% of the Nigerian police force, 95% of our politicians

balkanize (bôl'k?-ni(z)
(v.) To divide a region into small parts much like the Balkans.
example: worst case scenario if project Nigeria fails

becusing (be--kyü-si(ng)
(adj.) Bemusing and confusing
example: events happening in Oyo, Anambra, Ekiti and Plateau states

blamestorming (bla-m'stôr'mi(ng)
(n.) A method of collectively finding one to blame for a mistake no one is willing to confess to.
example: what Nigerian government officials do whenever a disaster happens (in most cases God is the culprit)

bushspeak (bush-speek)
a. (n.) Language spoken by George W. Bush. Words used by an individual that are similar to the style of speech used by George W. Bush.
b. (adj.) Totally incomprehensible. A statement that does not make sense.
example: any statement by IBB and Borishade (ex Aviation minister)

dementocracy (di-men'tok'r?-se)
a. (n.) A society in which the most demented members rise to the top.
example: Nigeria

déjà foo (da-'zhä fü)
(n.) A mistake one has already seen or made once before.
example: will apply to the current crop of politicians who are making the same mistakes that ended the first and second republics

discrimihate (di(-skri(m'?-ha-t')
(v.) To set apart as being different and to place hate on at the same time.
example: Nigerians abroad (especially in the UK and US) admired and hated at the same time.

disremember (di(s'ri(-m?m'b?r)
(v.) To remember something incorrectly.
example: selective amnesia, what anyone supporting IBB is suffering from

(acronym) Foot-In-Mouth Syndrome.
example: occurs when the mouth is engaged before the brain, afflicts obj regularly

glibido (gli-be'do)
a. (n.) All talk and no action.
example: methinks this will apply to almost every Nigerian i know lol

God Mob (God mob)
a. (n.) A large group of people who gather in a (usually predetermined) location, pray a brief prayer, give a shout of praise to the Lord, and then quickly disperse. Any group of people who attend a religious service.
example: 99.9999% of Nigerians

guesstimate (ge(s't?-mi(t')
(n.) A very basic guess on the solution to something.
(v.) ge(s't?-ma-t'. To estimate by guessing.
example: any official figure relating to Nigeria e.g population of Lagos

ideality (i-'de--a(l'i(-te-)
(n.) Frequently the opposite to reality. A dimension only spoken of in textbooks and lectures, and yet, while greatly desired, never seems to the case.
example: what every Nigerian hopes for Nigeria

irritainment (i(r'i(-ta-n'm?nt)
(n.) Entertainment that makes one irritated.
example: most nollywood films

undocumentioned (u(n-do(k'y?-me(n'sh?n'e(d)
(adj.) Describing something that is both undocumented and unmentionable.
example: Lagos traffic laws, planning laws, environmental laws etc

WMDs (du(b'?l-yü e(m de-s)
( Weapons of Mass Distraction.
example: EFCC, gradually becoming a tool for political blackmail against opponents while obj's cronies are left alone.

verbal-vomit (vûr'b?l-vo(m'i(t)
(n.) Spontaneous comments that make no sense, have no point, or are completely off the subject.(also known as diarrhoea of the mouth)
example: afflicts the likes of Sunny Okogwu (IBB's in law) who claimed oil belongs to the north

inspired by david dylan's excellent post 'Know your Nigerian Political Dictionary'

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The "Others"

The others
If you're a fan, you'll know the group i'm talking about. The Others are the mysterious inhabitants of the fictional island in the American television series' Lost'. No one knows who they are, their true motives or agenda.

Back in the day, Seinfeld was one of my favourite shows on TV, it was also one of the most popular TV programs of the 1990s. The DVD collection for season 7 was released this week, normally i wouldn't have noticed but i did notice due to the publicity generated by one of the stars of the show, Michael Richards (who played Kramer on the show).
Apparently he launched into a 3 minute racist tirade at a couple of black hecklers at a comedy
club last friday. Unfortunately for him it was recorded and posted on youtube

Here's a brief transcript of what he said:

'Shut up, 50 years ago we'll have you upside down with a fork up your ass
you can talk, you can talk, you're brave now motherfucker
throw his ass out, he's a nigger, he's a nigger, he's a nigger
look there's a nigger'

the full clip

Richards has since apologised describing his outburst as one of "pure rage". In a statement he said "I'm deeply, deeply sorry... I'm not a racist. That's what's so insane about this."

Yeah right, we heard the same crap from Mel Gibson when he had diarrhoea of the mouth and made anti-Semitic remarks and not too long ago from Ron Atkinson after calling Chelsea player Marcel Desailly,"a fucking lazy thick nigger"

Why and what is Richards apologising for? its not as if he didn't mean what he said. The only reason he is apologising is because it got posted all over youtube, and the media picked up the story. It wasn't as if anyone cared, Richards still performed at the club the following night but because of the bad publicity the club has since stated that he is no longer welcome at the venue.

I don't even understand why anyone was shocked. Wake-up call, there are a lot of people out there who hate black people and there are a lot of people out there who share his views (some people in the audience were still laughing at what he was saying)

I have my own theory about it, you never truly know someone, until you've seen them angry or drunk. Once the layers of control is removed as a result of the intoxicating effects of alcohol or the effects of anger, the true person shows up (rather than their PR spokesperson) and sometimes the "real person" can be really scary and ugly.
I remember a couple of years ago i went out with some colleagues from work, we had a few drinks, and I then had to listen to the worst racist crap I had ever heard in my life. When i couldn't take it anymore i left. The shocking thing about that incident was not the racist comments; it was the 'silence' from the others who heard it, like the Richards incident some even found it funny.

Hiding behind political correctness
The whole 'Political Correctness' thing is creating a situation where people just suppress their true feelings. From time to time they find other avenues to express them, e.g. at elections.
I'm far more comfortable with the likes of Nick Griffin and his BNP posse; at least we know where they stand. They make no excuses about their hatred of foreigners (besides the BNP has promised to send all foreigners back to their home country for free and pay them a lump sum, i heard its around 20k, hey thats enough money to make me a chief in ijebuland lol)

Its the 'others' i'm concerned about, are they hiding their true feelings because it is politically correct to do so?

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Our opium

religion the opium of the masses - Karl Marx

My strong views about religion, especially when it comes to Nigerian pentecostal churches, makes quite a few of my friends and relations uncomfortable. To make matters worse i'm also quite vocal about it, so from time to time i get lectured about criticising "men of God" and the whole "touch not my anointed" crap.
Some of them have taken it upon themselves to try and "put me on the right path". They seem to have this strong need to make me conform to their belief system.

The other day someone gave me a book called 'Problems of Life - The Christian Perspective' by a Rev Bola Majekodunmi. It has an "interesting theory" about the reason behind the poor economic situation in Nigeria.

On Page 25 he states that:
Our problem is not global recession, it all started in 1977
when we used God's oil money to promote and display demons of Africa under the
pretence of rich African culture, all nations of Africa brought their idols (
is referring to the Festival of Arts and Culture,
Festac 77 held in Nigeria in 1977), we built a town for them called Festac town and a big theatre, the capital expenses ran into millions of dollars.
God was up there, repenting he ever created us. There was no
time our government ever sponsored a gospel crusade.


'The whole world has turned against us, threatening sanctions
all over, it is not that we don't have good government but the sins of our
fathers will not permit them to perform, the demons we invited have taken their
permanent residence here.'

At this point i stopped reading the book.

stumbled on this blog and its quite refreshing reading someone else's take on our obsession with religion.

Monday, November 20, 2006

The "billions" in Naija ???

Nigeria scams 'cost UK billions'
Financial crime in the UK stemming from Nigeria involves "billions of pounds" but not enough is being done to stop it, a report has concluded.
Internet scams, credit card fraud and money laundering are going unchecked by governments in both countries, research group Chatham House says.

Here we go again another round of Nigeria bashing, the BBC is reporting that Nigerian scams is costing the UK "billions" while this morning's metro had the headline Nigeria scams cost £150 million a year.

Sometimes i wonder if the BBC has it in for naija, reading the full report i didn't see any proof of the so called "billions". It seems the BBC has thrown objectivity away and gone the trashy tabloid route when it comes to reports about naija.
Its not that i'm surprised, they did the same thing with the real story.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I'm disgusted Part 2

I'm disgusted Part 1

To excite nausea or loathing in; sicken.
To offend the taste or moral sense of; repel.

Profound aversion or repugnance excited by something offensive.

Filled with disgust or irritated impatience.

The nominees have changed but the feeling remains the same

I'm disgusted with (in no particular order)

Lagos state government
reason: for letting Lagos become a dump.

Bola Tinubu, governor of Lagos state (disgust x2)
reason: for that dumb ad on the radio praising him for doing a 'great' job as governor of Lagos. What great job?? (see my previous posts about the state of Lagos)
The lying, 'chicago certificate forging' S.O.B makes me sick. I hope he never smells another political position.

Omar al-Bashir, President of sudan
reason: Darfur

Kofi Annan
reason: lameduck UN secetary. He was Undersecretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations when the Rwandan genocide happened. According to Romeo Dallaire (UN commander in Rwanda during the genocide) in his book Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda Annan 'held back UN troops from intervening to settle the conflict and from providing more logistic and material support' which could have helped defend the Tutsis.

The same thing is now happening in Darfur

Jacob Zuma (former deputy president of south africa)
reason: for his reckless statements, especially about Aids . Unfortunately it's possible that he could become the next president of South Africa as he is very popular among the poor.

The idiots at ThisDay
reason: for spending a tonne of money to bring 'foreign talent' to naija (the october independence show) when we have enough local talent around. Tickets were going for about 25K naira (100K Naira for VIPs).
So the lowest priced ticket was about £100, Unbe'fucking'lievable !!!. The most i've ever paid to see a concert is £40 and that was Michael Jackson (in 96). I don't care if Beyonce and Jay Z were going to put on a live sex show, it was a complete waste of money, especially in a country like naija.

Lamidi Adedibu, Political Godfather in Oyo state
reason: for turning Oyo state into his personal fiefdom. I don't understand, how can one old man (he is almost 80) hold a whole state to ransom. The guy "appoints" or "removes" the governor depending on his mood. Can't someone give him "a cup of tea" or something to put him out of his misery.
I suggest the 'tea treatment' to all political Godfathers (Saraki in Kwara and that fool in Anambra) Its about time these people moved on and allowed fresh blood into the Nigerian political scene.

Anyone supporting IBB
reason: do i even have to give a fucking reason?
Do they hate Nigeria so much that they feel IBB should be inflicted on the country again.

Bisi Abiola, one of Abiola's wives (disgust x2)
reason: for supporting IBB

Condoleezza Rice, US Secretary of State
reason: US "foreign policy"
I don't have time for Bush, he has his hands full with his party's poor showing at the mid term polls. I just don't understand Condo, she's obviously very smart, so what is she doing with Bush et al?

Peddlers of Religion (especially of the 'pentecostal kind')
reason: for trying to suck me into their 'religious vortex'
I'm tired, you've already got my sisters and my wife, stay away from me or i'll use ijebu 'jazz' on you.

To be continued (soon)


As first time parents, wifey and i are learning on the job, as regards to raising a child. Somewhere along the way it seems we've allowed Jr to determine the 'rules of engagement'. A few weeks ago, after a couple of sleepless nights in his moses basket, we sort of gave in and allowed him to sleep in our bed.
He has not left since then..

What's that saying 'two's a company, three's a crowd'. I love my boy but he is gradually turning into a 'passion killer'. So I've been devising some crafty ways of getting him out of our bed, then i stumbled on this article from the times -
ONE of Britain’s leading experts on children’s
mental health has advised parents to reject years of convention and allow
children to sleep in bed with them until the age of five.
Margot Sunderland, director of education at the
Centre for Child Mental Health in London, says the practice, known as
“co-sleeping”, makes children more likely to grow up as calm, healthy
forget ooo, there's no way i'm allowing him sleep in our bed till he is five.
Ok maybe for a few more weeks, better to sacrifice now than have to pay for therapy later, abi wetin man go do ?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Paranoia or Bullshit

Naija person dey suffer for this town, sometimes i just feel pissed off at the way every naija has to carry the can for all the fraudulent activities of a small number of our citizens. Its not as if i can change my name from ijebuman to blackburn man, besides i'll die first before i 'anglicise' my name.

Anyway i sent off Jr's UK passport application to the passport office, Since its his first pali (unfortunately he can only get the green one when he is 5), it has to be signed by a signatory who is a british citizen. I got my good pal O, whom i have known for over 20 years to sign it. I get plenty britico/naija friends but i knew O is like me and will not take crap from anyone if they decide to be 'funny'.
My peeps, as naija you have to be extra prepared, UK immigration authorities seem to have decided to apply different 'rules' when dealing with "all" nigerians. (lets not fool ourselves, we're all bloody 'foreigners', all those 'naija coconuts' out there just wait till the BNP gets into power ).

Anyway, i wasn't too surprised when O called to tell me he was sent a letter at work from the passport office, asking him "further questions" about my son's application. They wanted O to respond to the "further questions" on business headed paper.
We both laughed, abi wetin person go do now. O na investment banker and trust me he has to deal with a lot more 'shit' about naija than me, anyway he called them up and asked them to clarify the "business headed paper" part as he is shocked that they actually expect him to use his employer's stationery to respond to a personal matter. So O told them no way and of course the person he spoke to now said "it wasn't really necessary" and that plain paper will do.

I hate bullshit they should just come out and tell us these things. You know these "people" rather than come out and say the truth that they think all 'naija peeps' are fraudulent and can't be trusted, they try to use 'agbari'..
Or maybe i'm just having a bad day and being paranoid, and this 'policy' actually applies to everyone and not just naijas.
Somehow i doubt it, i've been in this town long enough to smell bullshit a mile away.

Whats de Koko??
Ok i'm ashamed to admit it but hey what the heck, i absolutely love that d'banj remix video/song tongolo it has finally toppled my other favourite youtube naija video/song i go chop your dollar
Wifey absolutely hates the song and she's not too happy that Jr is been exposed to such lyrics. Like i care, when she is 'exposing' him to her "jesu feran mi" naija music, i don't complain now, abeg if we wan 'hear about 'dekoko' let nobody spoil our fun jo.

Naija music is going through a major renaissance, with artists like Lagbaja leading the way. And the videos too are just getting better, Lagbaja's Never far away has to be one of the best.

stumbled on this video by a guy called biglo (is this guy for real ???)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

108 days after..

its been a while since i blogged about Jr, so here's a quick recap. He's now over 3 months old, i do not find his smile fascinating anymore (joking of course), the little trickster uses it to manipulate us ; ), all he has to do is smile and he knows he'll get his way. (damn he's a fast learner, took years for me to learn how to manipulate people).

I'm constantly fascinated about the way he is changing daily, its sort of like a biology lesson, the other day i suddenly realised that his hearing has improved to the extent where he is now able to identify individual sounds from the background noise, my mobile rang and he was extremely startled by the ring tone. We had to turn off the ringer on the phone in the bedroom as he now wakes up every time someone calls.

He is also going through what i like to call the 'drool stage'. Apparently babies start drooling a lot when they are about to grow teeth. I had read about it somewhere but i still wasn't prepared for the amount of drool, lets just say my shirt goes through another 'wash' anytime i'm with him.
Like wifey will say its all part of the 'joys of fatherhood'. Yeah right, but she didn't find it funny when he 'peed' all over her and i said its part of the joys of motherhood..

IBB spam mail

As if i don't get enough spam, some troll had to send me this:

to ijebuman
date Nov 14, 2006 6:16 PM

Fellow contrymen and women,i write to remind you of the fact that we are moving towards a new dispensation where we have to take into consideration the future of our children.
Yes,i agree that the incubent president,Rtd.Chief Olushegun Obasanjo has done a yeomans`s job in the last 7-8 years of his leadership and since he is getting ready to leave,we should not be greedily partisan and selfish to know that God has made IBB to be alife today to come and savour and complemement the good works of the incubent.
I am neither a politician or am i expecting to be but because of my patriotic nature and love for my country Nigeria,i plead with you all to join hands together to bring back the God sent ´messiah´Rtd General IBRAHIM BADAMOSI BABANGIDA.
I live far away from home but have been monitoring the political trends in my beloved country Nigeria.I am frommthe minority states of Edo(the heartbeat of Nigeia)but very versed with all the political happening in my country.

To you IBB,i want you to believe that the wish of God cannot be thwarted by a group of person or person,no matter what happens.You have been elected from heaven as the next president of Nigeria come 2007 and i advice you to beware of drinking any form of `tea`(Remember Tunde Idiagbon,MKO Abiola and others).
Though,my Bible tells me that he who Goid has ordained for a particular mission must succeeed in that mission and you have been ordained by the almighty God whose powers no foe can stand.
I love you my fellow country men and women and want them to remember that tomorrow might be your turn to rule,if you are qualified.
I will welcome all forms of constructive criticism as this is a part of the system we are operating.
Malik Osilama Isabemoh.
Barcelona Spain.

unfortunately i don't respond to trolls but hopefully some viagra, penile enlargement or 419 spammer will pick up his email address here and send him a truckload of spam..

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sounds like Lagos..

"Many people are not familiar with the mechanism of a car and how it will react in certain situations"[snip]

' the product of a startlingly reckless driving culture where basic rules such as speed limits, right of way and braking distance go unheeded. Cutting up fellow drivers is a given, as is veering into the wrong lane with vehicles rushing head-on towards you. A motorists who misses a motorway turn-off will simply reverse back to it, against the hurtling traffic.'

sounds a lot like Lagos but apparently its Tehran

Ahmadinejad's new mission: taming Tehran's traffic
President takes time off from baiting the west to berate Iran's deadly drivers

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Gerald Levert

1966 - 2006
Soul/RnB world lost another exceptional artist.
Gerald Levert died of an apparent heart attack in his sleep while at his Cleveland, Ohio, home on November 10, 2006
Good 'ol days (my favourite Levert song)

Thursday, November 02, 2006


A method of collectively finding one to blame for a mistake no one is willing to confess to. Often occurs in the form of a meeting of colleagues at work, gathered to decide who is to blame for a screw up.

Boris (i.e Professor Babalola Borishade, the Aviation minister) has been making a lot of noise about sunday's plane crash. He claims the accident was caused by pilot error.
Boris was on a media offensive within minutes of the plane crashing. Trust naija man now, when your political future is at stake, you have to pull out all the stops to ensure that you keep your job. If it means blaming a dead guy for the rot in the aviation sector, so be it.

Boris has always had a hard time, when he was education minister, it was ASUU that was giving him a hard time. Now that he is in charge of aviation, all these bloody planes keep falling out of the sky.
But na wah for Boris o, when Sosoliso crashed he blamed God, (saying it was 'God's will'). Now he is blaming the pilot. So who will he blame next time another accident occurs, the one armed man??

Meanwhile i searched Google and was surprised to find out that Boris is actually a nuclear scientist, Osanobua!! its a good thing we don't have nuclear reactors in naija, can you imagine if this guy was in charge.

Anyway the blamestorming continues, the average nigerian couldn't give a fuck, more people die weekly from road accidents but no one cares about that..

update (from BBC news)
Nigerian aviation minister sacked
Nigeria's aviation minister has been sacked following the plane crash on Sunday in which the spiritual leader of Nigeria's Muslims and 95 others died.
Babalola Borishade swaps jobs with Culture Minister Femi Fani-Kayode, according to the president's office.

Swapping one fool for another fool...

Naija Aviophobia

Aviophobia (Fear of flying)

I heard about Sunday's plane crash a few hours after i returned to the UK. For some strange reason i was not shocked or surprised about it, infact the only thing that surprised me was that anyone survived the crash.

I've always had a fear of flying and guess where i got that fear from??? yep you're right, naija. It was back in 78 (in the days of Nigeria airways and their crappy F27 planes). The whole family (minus my dad) was travelling from Kaduna to Lagos. Halfway through the flight someone noticed that air was coming in through one of the emergency doors. I remember the pilot coming round to check it and then telling one of the flight attendants to hold on to the door for the rest of the flight.

As a family we learnt a lot from that incident, since then we have never travelled together on a plane. I became a reluctant flyer and will only use a plane if i have no options. I have not flown locally in naija since then.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Humour abounds amid Lagos chaos (from the BBC)

The BBC's Kieran Cooke experiences life in Lagos
Lagos is one of those places where you wonder just how anything manages to function. It is a city of, well, no-one is entirely sure of the population, but estimates vary between 13-15 million.