Humour abounds amid Lagos chaos (from the BBC)

The BBC's Kieran Cooke experiences life in Lagos
Lagos is one of those places where you wonder just how anything manages to function. It is a city of, well, no-one is entirely sure of the population, but estimates vary between 13-15 million.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/6091682.stm

ijebuman in lagos 4

My love affair with Lagos is over.
When we returned to naija in the 70s we lived in Kaduna, then my dad relocated to Lagos and we had to move down south. Kaduna was a great town back then and my sister and i were really sad about leaving. We arrived in Lagos and i completely forgot about Kaduna.
Everything about Lagos was fascinating, the bridges, ikorodu road, Victoria island, bar beach etc.

Fascination is not a word i will use in describing Lagos now.
Lagos is in a state of Anomie. The term is attributed to nineteenth century French pioneer sociologist, Émile Durkheim. Anomie is a state or condition of individuals or society characterized by a breakdown or absence of social norms and values. (i knew my degree in sociology will come handy someday...)

Durkheim believed that anomie is common when the surrounding society has undergone significant changes in its economic fortunes, whether for good or for worse and, more generally, when there is a significant discrepancy between the ideological theories and values commonly professed and what was actually achievable in everyday life.

Distinguished American sociologist, Robert King Merton also adopted the idea of anomie to develop Strain Theory, defining it as the discrepancy between common social goals and the legitimate means to attain those goals. In other words, an individual suffering from anomie would strive to attain the common goals of a specific society yet would not be able to reach these goals legitimately because of the structural limitations in society. As a result the individual would exhibit deviant behaviour.
from wiki

But enough of the sociological analysis. Here's the bottomline, Lagos sucks, it's like a car crash waiting to happen. The warning signs are there but no one cares.

The relationship Lagosians have with Lagos is like a woman in an abusive relationship, the type that justifies the partner's violence and remains in the relationship until the guy almost kills her.

Ijebuman in lagos 3

I've always found the third mainland bridge fascinating, its my favourite route to the island. I
can still remember the first time we used the bridge in the early eighties, my dad was taking us to VI. I'm a bit of a geography geek so i noticed he was going through Herbert Macaulay way, rather than the usual route, i.e. through western avenue via Eko bridge. I knew we couldn't be heading towards Carter bridge because my dad never used it because of the traffic hold up at idumota.

Anyway he was going down Herbert Macaulay and i was still trying to figure out where he was going, then he turned left and there it was, the 3rd mainland bridge, Shagari had done the official opening the week before.
I can't remember our destination but i will always remember that journey across the bridge.

I was still in Lagos when IBB finally completed the Oworonshoki end of the bridge, linking it up with Apapa/Oshodi expressway and the Lagos/Ibadan expressway in the early 90s.

I had heard a lot of things about the current condition of the bridge, but i had to see it myself. The oworonshoki end was ok but then we got to the older sections, starting from the herbert macaulay end, and its as if an earth tremor had occurred and realigned the bridge. Several sections of the bridge has moved, so the road is no longer smooth and it felt as if the car was actually bouncing on the road.

I still find the bridge fascinating but i also have a very bad feeling about it...

ijebuman in lagos 2

Lagosians deserve a medal of honour for surviving in this urban jungle. I've been driving around Lagos and my 'Lagos driving skills' is seriously out of date, its like i'm still on windows 95 while everyone is on XP.
But the things that pass for roads in Lagos these days na wah o. I don't know what that guy with the big eyes (Tinubu) is doing.
Federal roads too are no better, even the express road to Baba Iyabo's farm at Otta, that i thought he would have finished repairing by now, is still not finished. I hear the man uses a helicopter to travel from Lagos to Otta. We go see wetin he go use after 2007..

I've decided next time i visit naija i won't be spending a lot of time in Lagos, not even that south african shopping mall (the palms) will tempt me to stay. Can you imagine that Lekki beach has been taken over by area boys. I was there on tuesday, had to pay to get in, pay for car parking and then pay protection money to some hooligans so they won't vandalise the car.To make matters worse the beach was littered with rubbish. No wonder no one goes to the beach, my brother joked that rather than go to the beach, everyone goes to the palms..

Ibadan kini show??
I take back all the jokes I’ve made about ibadan, i spent a day there and i did not want to return to Lagos. It may not have a lot going economically but at least its residents are not raving lunatics..

ijebuman in lagos 1

oh the joys of dial up, finally got online no thanks to multilinks.
Their customer service is complete crap, I wanted to buy a spare battery for our LSP-3000 phone as i noticed the phone was only keeping its charge for a short time.
The conversation went along these lines:
me: do you sell the rechargable batteries for the LSP-3000
multilinks woman: yes we do, it costs 2500 naira
me: ok can i buy one
multilinks woman: where is the phone?
me: its at home but i just need the batteries
multilinks woman: we can't sell you the battery without seeing the phone as there could be a fault with it
me: no there's no fault with it i just need to buy the batteries
multilinks woman: no you have to see our technician
me: but i just want to buy the batteries, God this place has turned into Nitel

At this point i speak to someone who looks fairly intelligent
me: can i buy the batteries for the LSP-3000
multilinks engineer: yes it costs 2500 naira
me: i know
multilinks engineer: where's the phone?
me: its not here i just need the batteries.
multilinks engineer: eh
Quickly realising that the conversation was going along the same lines, i changed my approach
me: ok i need spare batteries for my LSP-3000, the current one is fine but i'll like to buy a spare one.
multilinks engineer: eh ok, you need to pay 2500 naira to the cashier, take a copy of the receipt to that guy over there and wait...
me: ok
multilinks engineer: can you fit it?
me: well i'll try but if i can't, i have a trained monkey who can definitely do it

And that my peeps is an example of what Nigerians have to go through everyday while dealing with government organisations, private organisations, churches etc.
The simple things have been turned into some complicated bureacratic mess. No wonder everyone seems to have given up

Destination: Lagos

I'm off to Nigeria this weekend, its been 2 years since my last visit so i'm looking forward to observing the many changes that has happened since 04.

I know there'll be a few things i'll be irritated about, you see i can handle everything naija throws at me but there's one thing that will always ruffle my feathers.
I hear there's now a church close to where we live. I tire o.. its bad enough that religion will be shoved down my throat everywhere i go (on the TV, radio, billboards etc) but when i can't sleep peacefully in my own house, na yah be dat o.
------------------------------------------------

a great response to the question 'Why Is Nigeria Not Working?'
I had to grab this off a forum i check out occasionally and it was in response to the question: Why Is Nigeria Not Working?
Birdman posted:

I think we blame our leaders too much. Our leaders did not drop out of the sky. These people are from among us, they lived among us and they reflect what we as Nigerians have become. Our problem isn't oil, roads, food, Our problem is us. The way we think is twisted, and we refuse to love ourselves enough to change.

You have probably heard several stories of how patients in critical conditions die at hospitals because of no electricity. If we loved ourselves, we would demand without rest and make sure that all hospitals have reliable backups, because one day, someone we love may very well be in critical condition in a hospital.

We attend "all-night" prayer sessions binding all manner of spirits, gyrating as though by our loud speaking we can make God do 'jara' for us. As Yorubas will say, this is "oju-aiye" (pretense). How can a christian who has enough faith to bind some supposed principality not have enough faith to make a lasting change at his/her workplace. We keep invoking God's name in everything but our actions towards ourselves and fellow Nigerians show we really are not serious about anything. The words we speak outside of church contradicts our prayers 80% of the time.

Finally, you all remember the poll that placed Nigerians as the most happy people on the earth? Some think this is a good thing. It isn't. You might think it implies resilience. I think it points instead to our laziness and careless attitude. Rather than change things, we are content to sit by and look, hoping some mugu will risk his life to make things better while the rest of us enjoy.

Only a madman does the same thing over and over again, and expects a different result. I personally have little faith in the current generation ruling us (these guys were in power from when we had independence, through our first coup, until now). They remind me of the first israelites who left Egypt. Their minds have been warped and all we can do is wait for them to die out or get too old to rule (or maybe amadioha strikes the lot of them down Tongue) so that new blood can come in (Utomi, Duke, Dora I am looking at you )

"The eyes of the future are looking back at us and praying for us to look beyond our own time"

I love your smile

Jr is growing so fast its hard to keep up, hard to imagine that he is a little over 2 months old.
Its not easy interacting with a baby at this stage, the interaction is usually one-way, as they don't really respond apart from crying.
But it’s amazing what you learn about them from the few clues they provide. For instance he hates his Moses basket and has stopped sleeping in it (shame we can't send it back to mothercare). He loves, correction; demands attention (typical Leo) and he 'prefers' that you walk around when you carry him in your arms. (you are not allowed to sit down and do anything else).
Failure to adhere to the above instructions will result in a loud noise that may result in the council issuing a noise abatement order…

But I digress...
And then the other day it happened, he responded, our little boy started smiling and its the most beautiful smile i've ever seen…

Political DeathMatch (update)

Nigeria vice-president suspended
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/5390230.stm

After a short ceasefire (as a result of last week's military air crash), Round four kicks off as PDP suspends Atiku for three months. According to the report 'his suspension means he will not be eligible to seek the ruling PDP's presidential nomination. '

Atiku's next move will be to set up or join another political party, but whatever move he makes, he will never be the next president of Nigeria. Whether he remains the VP is irrelevant, Obj has achieved his goal and ensured that he will not be PDP's presidential aspirant.

Why IBB will fail

Looks like IBB is shifting his campaign into high gear, he has already started the process of 're writing history', by glossing over all the horrible things he did while in power.
In an interview with BBC's Network Africa programme, he claims "In eight years, we made a lot of progress and development of this country and people also benefited," he also states that he had organised the "freest elections that has ever been conducted in the country".

That IBB is now trying to rewrite history shows desperation on his part. He realises that his past misdeeds have now come back to haunt him. All of a sudden he is on the defensive, the same IBB that has always refused to talk about the June 12 election or any of the many accusations against his regime, is now defending his administration.
In his recent interviews IBB has talked about the so called 'Gulf war windfall', the Vatsa coup and June 12. Since IBB is now in the mood to talk maybe he can offer an explanation about who killed Dele Giwa? and the allegations made against him during the Gideon Orkar coup attempt.

IBB is smart enough to realise that the south west and Obj are the major obstacles he has to overcome to return to power.
The south west
His attempts to pacify the south west over june 12 will ultimately fail. He has the likes of Alex Akinyele and one of Abiola's wives campaigning for him, but the thing is, june 12 was bigger than Abiola and even if IBB chooses one of Abiola's wives or kids as his running mate it would not make any difference.
Even on the web IBB seems desperate for yoruba support, www.babangida.com was registered by a 'Adetunji Adeoba' according to whois while www.mribbforpresident.com was registered by a 'Michael Adesina'.

coincidence? i don't think so

Obj
Whatever 'agreement' he had with Obj in 99 is no longer valid considering the role he played in frustrating obj's third term agenda. The irony of it all is that he is now in a similar situation that Abiola was in, back in 93. He desperately needs the support of the current resident of Aso rock to get back into power. Talk about role reversal.

IBB's options???
He has none
The thing is, IBB is damaged goods, june 12 will continue to be an albatross around his neck, he should learn from Buhari's experience in 2003. Buhari lost the last election because his opponents kept saying he would introduce sharia. With sites like AgainstBabangida ,Social critics like Gani Fawehinmi, 'former friends' like Mrs Vatsa, a hostile press and a vindictive Obj to contend with, IBB has his work cut out.

It doesn't help that he is still seen as a shifty manipulator, the many years outside power has not changed this perception. If he had spent his time outside power reinventing himself as an elder 'statesman' or philantropist, he might just about convince enough Nigerians to vote for him and/or convince Obj that he can be trusted with the keys to Aso rock.

But will IBB see the writing on the wall ?? As i said in a previous blog entry
'like Maradona's addiction to cocaine (which destroyed his football career), IBB is addicted to power, and his pursuit of that power will ultimately lead to his downfall...'

Political DeathMatch

Not too long ago when MTV was still mildly entertaining, they had a great show called Celebrity Deathmatch. In naija we now have our own real life version of the show called Political Deathmatch.

In the far corner is the embattled VP - Atiku (aka oko jennifer) , his opponent is the president - obj (aka baba iyabo)

the story so far,
Round one, EFCC submits damning report on Atiku
Round two, Obj sends efcc report to the senate, recommending Atiku is impeached.
Round three, Atiku strikes back in true naija style ('you tarka me i daboh you'), claiming obj too is corrupt and they both 'shared' the loot

Both parties are taking no prisoners and its going to be a fight to finish

Trust Reuben Abati he has an interesting piece on the whole saga called 'A Bolekaja Presidency'
http://odili.net/news/source/2006/sep/15/2.html
http://odili.net/news/source/2006/sep/17/10.html
----------------
???
The news that the military lost 8 major generals in the Dornier 228 plane that crashed near Obudu, raises a lot of questions as regards to why so many of the military top brass travelled on the same flight.
Apart from making the plane an obvious target for the many groups that have grudges against the military, it shows a complete lack of awareness of basic security precautions. A company i worked for had a policy where no more than 2 directors could travel on the same flight. It was actually for insurance purposes but it made absolute sense as it safeguards the future of the company.

The Nigerian military obviously doesn't understand the concept of not putting all your eggs in one basket. God help us all if we have to rely on them in a state of war...

'foot in mouth' disease

protesters doing 'fire dance' in response to pope's speech

"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

The Pope had an interesting case of 'foot in mouth disease' and the islamic world erupts in anger.
Predictable...

i found this response from an iraqi militant group hilarious

"We shall break the cross and spill the wine. ... God will (help) Muslims to conquer Rome. ... God enable us to slit their throats, and make their money and descendants the bounty of the mujahideen,"
Qaeda-led group vows "jihad" over Pope's speech

My advice to the Pope next time you want to say something nasty about muslims say it in Latin, that way they won't understand

Things that have changed my life - 1

the 4 agreements

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

It was 5 years ago that i first read the four agreements by Don Miguel, the book affected me on so many levels. Back then i was going through an interesting NLP phrase, it kicked off my journey of self discovery which has made me aware of the power we all have to make things happen in our lives.

to be continued soon....

If you want to truly understand something, try to change it. ~Kurt Lewin

Extreme measures

EFCC seizes N7bn assets of INEC dead director
ABUJA — THE Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) has secured a court order, confiscating alleged ill-gotten assets, worth about N7 billion, belonging to a deceased Director of Finance and Supplies of INEC, Pastor Timothy Olufemi Akanni.

The assets include cash in local and foreign currencies; landed properties in choice areas in both Lagos and Abuja; shares in bluechip companies; registered schools, bakeries and expensive cars, among others.
The order was granted ex-parte by the vacation judge, Justice Anwuri Chikere, upon a request by the anti-graft commission on behalf of the Federal Government.
rest of the story

They say we shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but damn it, this guy was greedy and to make matters worse he was a "pastor". Its not as if that counts for anything but it does make you wonder if there's any morality left in our society.
They say Nigeria is the most religious nation in the world. and yet it tops the corruption list

Makes you wonder if religion and corruption go hand in hand in Nigeria....

But we shouldn't be surprised; it just goes to prove that in the Nigerian context when there's a conflict between personal and religious values, personal values will always triumph.

Christianity and Islam can never really change our value systems, its about time the government adopts traditional African measures to reduce the rampant corruption in the country. If people had to swear to ‘sopona’, ‘ifa’ or some other oracle when they assume public positions, i'm sure they'll be scared of stealing large amounts of public funds.

The oath for public office could include something along the lines of "I Alhaji, Cheif, Major general, Pastor etc hereby swear that if i steal a single kobo of public money, sango strike me and all generations of my family down."

A bit extreme but our situation calls for extreme measures...

Quote: Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power. - Eric Hoffer

Little Miss Jocelyn

Jocelyn J Esien playing a parking attendant on her show

Having watched 3 episodes i think i can now comment on Little Miss Jocelyn, a new comedy sketch show on BBC 3 featuring Jocelyn Jee Esien.

Its official I hate it....

The show is full of sketches making fun of Nigerians (one sketch is about a Nigerian park attendant with the catch phrase 'this will take a looong time', in another sketch she plays a Nigerian wife, with three husbands and in another one she plays a nigerian cab driver/driving instructor)

Some of the sketches did make me laugh especially the Nigerian couple seeking marriage counselling but i couldn't help thinking she was trying to outdo Gina Yashere, who has built her whole standup routine on making fun of Nigerians.

Gina is naturally funny while Jocelyn is trying too hard to be funny and its just not working...
----------

Like my peeps will say 'abeg make we talk about beta person jo', Metro (Wed aug 30) did an interview with upcoming actor, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje . Talk about someone with his head screwed on properly, i was quite impressed with his reponses.

Q: Was there pressure to make your name more Westernised to fit into Hollywood?

A: I’m of Nigerian descent, from the Yoruba tribe. Names are very significant in that culture. It basically states your purpose in life. Ade is ‘the crown’, Wale means ‘to arrive’, so that means ‘the crown has arrived’. Akin is ‘warrior’ and Agbaje is ‘prosperity and wealth’. Every day when someone calls my name, they remind me of that purpose and for me to renounce that would be sacrilege. The name caused a lot of scrapes growing up. Having come this far, I wasn’t going to abandon it for Hollywood. People are getting used to it. They abbreviate it to triple A.

the full interview in metro

After reading the interview, i've become a big fan, although i still have misgivings about his roles in Lost and The Bourne identity, but i guess 'man got to chop now'.
Hopefully as his profile rises he'll be in a better position to choose his roles rather than playing the usual 'stereotypical' parts that Hollywood gives to black Africans (Drug dealers, Slaves, criminals etc)

No 'Respect'

Blair 'chav' style

Britain 'worse than 20 years ago'
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/5310016.stm

The threat of terrorism is one reason why Britain is a worse place to live now compared with 20 years ago, a BBC poll suggests. Nearly half (47%) of those questioned thought quality of life in Britain had declined, with 47% blaming a "lack of respect" and 46% citing crime.

The study of 1,006 adults was conducted for BBC One's Six O'Clock News.

According to the poll, 47% think Britain the worst place to live, 24% think its better while 27% think no better/worse.

I'm not yet part of that 47% but in a few years time when global warming and right wing groups dominate the political landscape, Nigeria may not be too bad after all...

Whats in a name?

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose By any other word would smell as sweet."
The famous line from Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Shakespeare may have felt that a name had no importance and that a rose would still smell the same regardless of what it is called, but the Yorubas obviously don't see it that way.
A name is seen as a celebration and an indication of who we are, hence the Yoruba saying "Oruko lonro ni" (which means names affect behavior)

Don't mess with the Yorubas when it comes to names, thats why our names are littered with Ade, Oluwa, Ayo, Ola, Akin, Baba etc. The name given to a child is supposed to signify the destiny of the child (yeah destiny that's another thing the Yorubas don't mess with)

The importance placed on names is a part of our culture that i hold dearly. Prior to the birth of jr, we had debated over possible names to give him. My wife been of the pentecostal leaning had wanted a name from the bible, me of the African leaning said No. I told her point blank no child of mine is going to have any foreign name, that the name is from the bible is completely irrelevant, the bottom line is, it is not a Yoruba name.
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with names from the bible (to each his own) i just feel we need to protect our culture by ensuring our children have yoruba names, it is even more important when you live outside Nigeria as it may be the only connection the next generation has to our culture.

Anyway the naming ceremony was about 2 weeks ago and i'm happy to say the names (all yoruba) we chose truly reflects the way we feel about our son.

nights to remember

staring out into the future..

I'm gradually getting used to the sleepless nights since junior arrived home. Its been pretty exhausting but kudos to the wife as she is bearing the full brunt of junior's antics at night.
We've been told it's a phase and in a couple of weeks he'll adjust to sleeping through the night. (I can't wait)

Its still a strange feeling knowing there's an individual out there with my genes. I'm gradually bonding with him, its easier for the wife i suppose he sees her as his only source of nourishment so they're pretty much glued together.

I was the first person he saw when he opened his eyes. He was handed over to me the night he was born by one of the midwives (while the wife was heavily sedated) and she said something along the lines of 'congratulations here's your son'. I was surprised that i didn't really feel anything, it was like someone introducing me to a complete stranger. However by the next day i was in full fatherhood mode, i suspect it took a full night's sleep for my brain to fully understand the implications of what happened the night before..

so 2 weeks later i'm still coming to grips with life as a dad while junior is changing and growing by the day, the other day my mum said he looked just like me, which is kind of strange considering he seemed to look like the wife when he was born.
I suppose the jury's still out on who he looks like


"It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton
for my dad (aug 16 1938 - apr 19 2004)

The Real Story indeed..

UK bank details sold in Nigeria
Bank account details belonging to thousands of Britons are being sold in West Africa for less than £20 each, the BBC's Real Story programme has found.
It discovered that fraudsters in Nigeria were able to find internet banking data stored on recycled PCs sent from the UK to Africa.

rest of story
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4790293.stm?ls


I watched the Real story (the source of this news story) on BBC1 yesterday and its amazing how far this news story is from the actual truth. The program did not show any 'evidence' that 'Nigerian fraudsters' found any bank details on used PCs and if it was used. What the program discovered was that hard disks bought in Lagos had deleted personal data on them.
The data could only be retrieved by using specialist hard disk tools. The reporter had to take the hard disks to a data specialist in Switzerland to retrieve the personal information used on the program.

Methinks the BBC gives 'Nigerian fraudsters' too much credit, recovering deleted files takes time and specialised software, then what guarantee do the 'fraudsters' have that they'll find any meaningful data.
It seems the BBC was out to do a hatchet job on Nigeria for the sake of getting a news headline and cheap publicity for a crappy show.

ijebuman junior

ijm jr at '16 hrs' old

Sunday July 30th started off like any normal day but by 19.42, we had a new addition to the family, weighing 3.8kg, ijebuman jr finally arrived.
Considering the manner of his arrival, I know this kid is going to make my life very interesting….

Quote: "A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for” - Anon

Blue Collar Lawman: the story of Nigeria's "independence"

omelettes cannot be made without breaking eggs. - English saying

Its explosive, its captivating and i spent the better part of today reading through the site.

Blue Collar Lawman is the account of Harold 'Sean' Smith (a former British Government senior civil servant) and recounts the events (1955 - 60) leading up to Nigeria's independence

This is the story of evil committed by kind, nice, decent British politicians. They sought to keep Britain from bankruptcy and found a solution in the mineral-rich Empire on the point of independence. It was necessary to bend the rules and, sadly, in due course the rules were totally forgotten. Those who got in the way were innocent like the colonial peoples, but both had to be dealt with quite harshly.

To leave friends in charge of Nigeria in our absence was surely prudent. The local people chose hothead politicians and it was our duty to outwit them. The loss of one or two lives is all we can truly comprehend. An expedient Whitehall decision is calm and deliberate and the risks if ever considered must be small and, of course, anonymous.

http://www.libertas.demon.co.uk/index.htm