ijebuman's diary

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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

How to keep your Job (Naija style) 

Madam Speaker doing her own version of Amy Winehouse's 'rehab'

So you've been caught with your hands in the till (or in this case indicted for not following due process by awarding a contract to an unregistered company run by one of your aides).
No worries, here are a few tips on how to save your job;

1. The best form of defence is an attack, start by turning the tables on your opponents by accusing them of similar crimes.

2. Play the victim. Claim you've been set up and you know nothing about the allegations.

3. Employ a powerful Godfather to apply pressure on those in power.

4. Now is the time to bring out the GMGs "Ghana must go bags". Ensure you give one to anyone who is in a position to help you (at this stage "Everybody" would like to help you)

5. Play the Ethnic card by getting your "people" to accuse your opponents of trying to marginalise your ethnic group.

6. Employ Spiritual methods. Call on all pastors and imams to pray for you and Nigeria. If you attend a Pentecostal church, you can organise night vigils, prayer requests or make a large donation to your pastor to ensure he is on your case 24/7.

7. Employ other "Spiritual" methods. At times like this you can't rely on 'whiteman's religion' alone, you have to go "local".
If you're from the west, head over to Ijebu Igbo and employ the services of the best 'jazz' (juju) man around. If you're from the east, head over to Okija shrine while those in the north should employ the services of a marabout. (ensure it's not the same one Abacha and Atiku used)

8. Now is a good time to call on the traditional ruler in your part of the country that has the most influence. In the South west, the Oni of Ife is always ready to beg on behalf of any Yoruba subject accused of corruption or coup plotting.

9. Set up a fictional group called "concerned citizens of Nigeria", get the "group" to put out a full page ad in the news papers claiming there is a conspiracy against you. They should also list your "accomplishments" and declare you're the best ***** Nigeria ever had.

10. Employ good old "shakara". Declare that "it's God's will" that you got to your current position and by "God's grace" no one can remove you.

I'm a celebrity, get me outta here

The speaker and her "aides" have launched a major media offensive to ensure she keeps her job when the house resumes later in the month.
In one of the papers yesterday her 'media consultant' accused certain members (members of the "integrity" ??? group) of the house of "bad belle".

Her aide went on to say that "In other lands, the first female Speaker would have become an instant star, to be adored and celebrated, but in Nigeria, detractors are saying "she is a hair dresser, as if Bill Gates, the world's richest man, was not a drop-out from Harvard." He chided Nigerians for not commending the Speaker, who saved the public till millions of naira by refusing to accept hotel accommodation or even collect money in lieu of it."

Etteh is Here to Stay, Aide Says

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posted by ijebuman  # 2:16 pm
Maybe this is a good time to activate the siddon look mode...
If this woman keeps her job I am off to declare citizenship in Madagascar for the twelfth time.
Nice one ijebuman. Like chxta I am in the siddon look mode, and unlike omodudu, I will consider Niger citizenship!
So much of the gibberish from Madam speaker. She needs to resign. PRONTO!
I am still waiting to hear what Yardy has to say about all this madness. That woman should have resigned yesterday! I don't even care if she is guilty or not!
Ijebuman!!!! This needs to be on the backpage of any of our Naija dailies!!! its brilliant and funny, and unfortunately SO TRUE!! (that sad fact requires a moment (several?) of silence. PLEEEEEEEEASE send this in to someone to have it published!! (And to all ye back page contributors who surf the internet in search of this kind of comment (ijebumans') to use as your own... i've got my eye on you!) Well done!
oh and symonsdelle, just fyi....crazy lady yesterday was not being asked to resign.. just to recuse herself from chairing the proceedings (ie, the panels report on her investigation). Dont think the nitwit grasped what was going on, thought she was being asked to resign! When her predecessor Speaker of the House Masari was being investigated concerning his credentials, he came to the house and voluntarily recused himself from presiding over his matter. its not rocket science. The funniest thing in this post is her aide's response that Bill Gates too dropped out of school. Can someone please tell him that Harvard is not a beauty school? This is an advisor to the #4 citizen in our beloved country! Kai!
sorry, SOLOMONsydelle!
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